A Bad Thing Happened Last Night: Analyzing Relapse, My Triggers for the Binge, and What It Means For Recovery

Not a typical Mommy Blogger post - no photos of the kids. Just real things about Bethany

So its a fact that I have been afflicted by an eating disorder for now what is longer than half of my life.
2012 has been a very strong year for me so far.

Last night was a bad spot in my recovery progress, and its proof that I am not "healed" completely.

I binged for about 30 minutes in the evening.
It was unpleasant even as I was doing it.
It was unpleasant to cope with after I realized I was doing it and stopped.
Its unpleasant to use food to cope with negative emotions.

I gobbled two jumbo cranberry muffins and started picking at a third.
I guzzled two Dr. Peppers.
I started hunting through the fridge and found leftover sushi.
Then I started hunting again.

I stood over the kitchen sink and felt that familiar lump in my throat.  I felt the need to purge and then continue eating again.  I started crying.

Instead, I decided to just address the issue that was making me feel upset, empty, and isolated.

_________

In the clinical sense, it wasn't an absurdly high calorie count in a very brief period of time, but I did experience a loss of control and a feeling of panic as I searched through food. I also didn't  pause while eating.  It was gobbling, not enjoying the food.

I felt guilt, which is what happens when someone binges as an emotional eater.

BUT, five years ago or ten years ago, I would have had a really different experience.
I would have felt ashamed and kept it a secret.
This time, I told Dan (after snapping at him and asking him to give me a little space before telling him about it.)

He's had quite a lot of experience helping me through rough patches, and he knows that its best for him to sit very close to me, but not hug or cuddle me, and just ask me if I want to talk, and keep asking periodically.  He also knows the things NOT to say, which is pretty much anything except : That sounds pretty hard. I am sorry you feel so much pain.  What can I do to help? I care about you. I love you.


I also spent time thinking about the triggers for that binge.  Here they are:

- I was feeling upset about DHH going on a three day weekend to my parents' home. I didn't feel comfortable with him going because we've been having some difficulty in our mother-son relationship.
- I was feeling lonely.  Dan was in the garage, my sisters and mom were with my son after we spent a good time together all day.
- I didn't eat a proper lunch because I was stressed about DHH leaving.  We didn't sit down and eat dinner the way we usually do - it was in front of a DVD and just leftovers, so I probably didn't focus on the food and eating as much as I needed like I do when we sit down at the table and I eat mindfully.
- I was feeling stressed because my daughter is sick and I didn't have good ways to soothe her.
- I was feeling tired because she was up every three hours nursing her.
- I was feeling disappointed that I didn't do the exercise DVD I'd planned to do.

So with those feelings of loneliness, stress, and unmet expectations, as well as the physical aspects of being hungry and tired, it makes sense that I would turn to a coping mechanism like a binge/purge because that is what had helped me before.

_____

I also mark progress in that I did not purge.
I did not set unreasonable exercise goals for today.
I did not continue eating and feel despair, I felt like I COULD stop, I didn't have to keep going just because I started it.
I was honest about it to Dan, even though I really didn't have to tell him. I also told a friend today.
I asked for support.
I took it easy on myself. I had Dan put EK to bed and care for her and I went to bed early.

____

Oh, and I have to mention what I did when I realized I was so upset and abusing food.
I picked up the phone and called my son.
It was good to hear from him and hear his happiness in the background having a good time.
AND HE SAID THE FOLLOWING:

" I love you Mama and Dad. Bye bye!"

He never says that! It was so slow and so sweet and so good to hear.

A Big Success and A Mild Disappointment.

Two topics from my mothering work today:

Today DHH used the toilet in a store while we were out today. It was his own idea, and he asked a clerk where the potty was.  She clearly had never been involved in potty training (I guess her own!) so she didn't understand his word choice or our urgency. Even though he felt very concerned about the Loud Flush Potty, he did it.  Which is great, since he had a large amount of iced tea and was wearing (regular!) undies with a plain diaper cover over it.  Way to go, buddy!  I was most impressed that he asked someone else FIRST, and then told me where we needed to go.  He's starting to listen to his body signals and take action!


The mild disappointment is that I stayed awake until 11 PM, which isn't actually that late for me, but I have been exercising and getting up earlier, so it feels PLENTY late. I stayed up because little EK has been up to nurse at this time the last few nights.  This is a new thing.  She spent the better part of today crying, wailing, pouting, arching her back, sneezing, screaming, and refusing to nap.  I fed her last night and the night before at 11 PM and 3:30 AM and 5 AM, two times more in that time span than what is normal for her at 10 months, and its sad to be reminded those three times that she isn't feeling well.  I know she's just got a cold and she needs more fluids.  If there's a silver lining - and probably there are several layers of silver linings - I have the confidence in making health care decisions like this for her (just buy the baby nasal aerosol spray, irrigate her nose, pain meds before 5 PM since it makes her wacky).  I guess also silver lining that she's been so healthy and I think its because I DID do the vaccinations on schedule, especially the flu.

I like being a mother to these kids.

Two Kids Are Really Twice as Nice (But Not At First)

I can freely admit RIGHT NOW what I could not admit from May 2011 until September 2011.

Having two kids is twice as wonderful as having one kid.

Yes, its a confession of sorts, because I didn't believe having two kids could be as good as having one kid that I'd figured out how to parent and how to love.

Those first several months, it was just not twice as nice.

It was twice as tricky,

 twice as sticky, 

twice as shrill, 

twice as poopy, 

twice as buried in laundry, 

twice as stressful.

Its like when someone tells you when you are pregnant with your first kid, "Your life will never be the same again!" and you smile and sort of roll your eyes because inwardly you are saying OF COURSE, I AM AWARE, but then months later you find yourself repeating that old adage to another pregnant lady, this time with the wisdom that she CANNOT possibly get it.

People say again, "One baby and another on the way! You'll have your hands full." And again I rolled my eyes, because YES! I WILL STILL HAVE THE SAME NUMBER OF HANDS WHEN I HAVE MORE BABIES. Duh, it will be difficult.

However, it was so difficult for me at first that I DREADED waking up at 5 AM to feed the baby

 (who had practically slept all night)

because in an hour my husband would be leaving for work and leaving

 ME ALL ALONE TO DO TWICE AS MUCH MOTHERING as I was used to.

I know, boo hoo, Bethany. Cry me a river, your life is tragic.

But I was scared. 

I didn't like it.

I didn't like being so out of control and so scared of my life.

 It was hard to learn to juggle.  It was a learning curve.

For me, I had to figure out how to keep one from coming unglued while the other was needing me.

I had to figure out how to carry the second while making sure the first didn't run off into traffic 

(ONE HAND ON THE JEEP ALWAYS, BUDDY, UNTIL MAMA TAKES YOUR HAND).

I can tell you now that I was really scared of being responsible for two kids and my own health (which suffered to the tune of an eating disordered and fatigued fifteen pounds).

I can tell you because ITS NOT THAT WAY ANYMORE.

I really like having two kids.

 I didn't like it before because it was scary, but now I do like it in spite of the fact that its a little intimidating.

I like that I can compare them to each other and see their physical similarities and genetic differences.

I like going to tuck one in, then turn and take two steps to the other one's bed to kiss him goodnight, too.

I (sometimes) like that I am rarely alone anymore, as the elusive double napping nap rarely happens.

So today when I was waiting on someone to fix the sweet tea dispenser at HyVee with EK snuggled in the Ergo Carrier playing her version of Peek a boo 

(her favorite game, I think she plays it all day long with a variety of things to hide behind, and this time it was just her eyelid she hid behind and made an eee-ew! sound when she opened them?)

and my son pacing in front of the counter pointing at all the desserts behind the glass 

(That's Danol's faborite! The chocolate one, very chocolate one, my very best faborite.)

 and an older gentleman came up and smiled at me and said,

"Those are two blessings from God"

I could say at once,

"Yes, I am doubly blessed."

Which leads me to wonder why on Earth someone would only want a single helping of happy and have an only child.

Its starting to make sense to me that the Duggar couple just wanted twenty kids because having babies is so joy-inspiring.

How could I not want another kid?

Hair Cut Six Months in the Making.

Here are the before shots, which are also the motivation shots.  

Some one was not gungho about the haircut idea.

And that some one's father very generously offered to let his son cut his hair first.