
Two months ago I bought a
Women of Faith study guide called: Being Myself; How Do I Take This Mask Off?.
This particular study seemed appropriate for personal and spiritual growth. As a recovering person, I am moving into uncharted territories. I don't know who I am without the ED thoughts and behaviors, and I've forgotten the things that make me full of worth. I listened to my secular therapist talk to me about making my own choices based on what I prefer the most, not what "should be" in some one's standards, and not what would make others happy. It was extremely difficult for me to make decisions!
I decided to embrace Dr. S's ideas about offering myself forgiveness, giving myself many options and all are good, and to sit with the emotions and allow them to happen. Meditate. Radically accept myself for who I am today. Notice the world in this moment, this breath.
That is nice, and I wish I could live in that Kabot-Zinn Utopia, a dim room lit by lamps or candles, stretchy pants, long deep breaths, peaceful music, and yoga postures. I think I would emerge as a happy, healthy woman if I had such a retreat available for me to use in the morning.
Instead, I live in a cluttered life. Its cluttered with lots of purses full of lip gloss, my always lost cell phone, half-read books, a Planner that is inconsistently used, and Ice Tea cups. My life is cluttered with thoughts that flit across my brain and reappear minutes later. I'm cluttered by lots of half-finished ideas and half-finished projects and half-finished choices. Spontaneity
causes some of this clutter.
I need a Biblical anchor for this. I chose the Women of Faith Bible study to help me keep my Christian focus on the radar. When I use Christ as my compass, I'm able to steer through both the lovely yoga life and the indecisive cluttered life.
Its hard for me to begin a new study, since I have commitment issues and don't keep regimented morning or even schedules. I did begin the first week of June when I was at John and Ann's home. For three consecutive nights, I prayed, read the bible, did the workbook. Over that month when I came back, I read the chapters again and reviewed my responses. I did not go further until last night. I got a great surprise from the study. Here it is in its entirely.
Psalm 139
For the choir director: A psalm of David.
1
O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.
2
You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away.
3
You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment
you know where I am.
4
You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD.
5
You both precede and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to know!
7
I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your presence!
8
If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the place of the dead,
you are there.
9
If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10
even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.
11
I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night—
12
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright
as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you.
13
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my
mother's womb.
14
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is
marvelous—and how well I know it.
15
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
17
How precious are your thoughts about me,
O God! They are innumerable!
18
I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up
in the morning, you are still with me!
19
O God, if only you would destroy the wicked! Get out of my life, you
murderers!
20
They blaspheme you; your enemies take your name in vain.
21
O LORD, shouldn't I hate those who hate you? Shouldn't I despise those who
resist you?
22
Yes, I hate them with complete hatred, for your enemies are my enemies.
23
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my thoughts.
24
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life
My surprise is how my heart softened when I read about how God knows me, He gets me better than I get me. He thinks about me all the time. He made me a complex person, so my bits of dysfunctional days or depression don't make Him think differently of me. God saw me when I was a fetus and had wishes and hopes for me. He looks at me and sees the possibilities. I have a strong emotional reaction to this! I feel lucky, I feel free to be me, I feel loved. God doesn't seem like a distant thing, instead, God is a moving force in my daily life
I especially like these promises from God. I think they make me realize God is alive and working in my life, and that I need to stop, breath, and just rest for awhile. God can do the work!
- Your hand will guide me your strength will support me (10)
- You proceed and follow me, you put a hand of blessing on my head (5)
- How precious are your thoughts about me, Oh God! They are innumerable (10),
- You are with me when I wake up in the morning(11)
- You help me refine my life by pointing out mistakes to help me have a clean heart. (23)
- You lead me on the path for everlasting life.(24)