At week 15, I'll try anything...

Because nausea and vomitting dominate my waking hours. Its been a solid 10 weeks of this intense, dehydrating symptom of pregnancy.

I'm wearing the bands now, after remembering reading about them. I was getting carsick, and had husband pop into the corner Walgreens.

My thoughts so far: These are sure tight! I can't believe they are for kids and adults! I have small wrists for an adult, and I can't imagine wearing them if I were more "sturdy". Its like having a ponytail holder that's new and super tight around the lower wrist/upper arm. But, I haven't puked tonight, and I feared it was inevitable about 8 pm. Three hours later... not yet! Maybe this will work! Plus, its not another pill to swallow.

If they turn out to be a not-so good thing, I'll remove the "good things" tag.

Its FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel lucky that I have a job that is M-F, 7:30 - 4 pm because I can experience the freedom of the weekend. I've had jobs before when "day off" meant Monday, and it did not feel the same. Of course, there is that sickening feeling on Sunday, 8pm, when you realize its all over and you're starting back again.

But...

Eventually Friday will roll around again!

Guest Speaker!!

I haven't been asked to be a guest speaker since... maybe never. So of course I was jazzed to get an invitation to be the guest speaker in a Childhood Development class.

Some people get nervous when they are the guest speaker. Not me! Maybe that is why I am a teacher, why I was a actress in high school plays, why I volunteer to do things. I think I like having command of an audience! I think I'd love to be a celebrity and I'd enjoy the attention :o)

Okay my guest lecture was on the topic of miscarriage and high risk pregnancy. I had a list of questions the students in the course provided. Very few people have every asked me about these topics. I found myself having to stop and think about my answers to the questions.

Here are some examples:

Does it hurt to have a miscarriage?
Do you have a different opinion of teenage pregnancy or abortion after you have had a difficult time having a baby?
Describe the best part of pregnancy/worst part of pregnancy.
What kind of procedures do they do to find out if you miscarry? Does it hurt?
What do you do now to make sure you have a healthy baby?
How did you decide to have a baby now? Were you scared?
Do you consider adoption now or foster care?

Good questions from a bunch of fifteen year olds!

Very few people have every asked me about the miscarriages I have had, specifically details about how it felt or how I dealt with it. I think lots of people I know just wanted to avoid a painful subject and didn't know how to react. I don't blame them, but I do want anyone to know this: that validating some one's experiences is very meaningful and well worth your social awkwardness. I really appreciate that some people recognize that this isn't my first pregnancy, and since it is not, I have different emotional and physical responses to things that occur.

But I digress.

I tried to impress upon these 12 girls and 3 boys a few things...

1. Being pregnant isn't a shine shine and cupcakes experience. Its a responsibility. It can be uncomfortable, you can puke everyday and feel miserable, and your life will be completely changed. Its not like you can tote around your little baby like Paris Hilton's dog. Its not going to be only about you... you have to make a lot of sacrifices.
2. Miscarriages are really common and they suck. Don't buy into that nonsense of "wait 10 weeks to tell people just in case" because you want people to support you "just in case". Anyone who would feel excited for your pregnancy should and probably will feel devastated for your loss. Since miscarriage is common, seek out someone to confide in that has advice or experience to share with you. My doctors didn't tell me how much it would hurt or what to expect or look for. Its really gross looking and gross feeling and it can be really painful.
3. When you get pregnant or get someone else pregnant, your life will change. This is sort of similar to the cupcakes and sunshine example, but I wanted them to know that being pregnant will change your high school experience, your sex life, and your free time. You change because you have to step up and make sure you get prenatal care. You have to be your own advocate and your baby's advocate. You have to grow up quickly and you're no longer able to just make choices for the fun of it... you have to consider repercussions and consequences.

So, yeah, it was an interesting experience. I didn't realize how many kids in that class wanted to have babies and were excited to be pregnant. I didn't want to scare them away from parenthood, but I did want to deter them! I can't imagine what it would be like to be as pukey as I am now and have to go to Girls Team Sports. Or live at my parents' house. My goal wasn't to "scare them straight" but it was to get them to think about the less perky sides of getting pregnant, like what happens if your baby dies or you have to change your life goals.

Everyone should have a pen pal or a new friend.

The reason for my title is I am realizing a few things.

I used to meet new friends all the time in college and through MASC. Lately, I've not met many people in my age range, interest span, or social circle.

When you meet new people, you are asked to re-evaluate yourself. What do you like? What do you spend your time doing? What are your life goals? What are your favorites? The things you tell this new friend are true... at least at the moment you say them.

How many old friends do I have, ones that I met way back when I used to like different music, when I had a different perspective on success and love, when I looked differently physically, when I was spiritually in a different place? Lots, I bet.

When I was in high school, I read the quote "People change and forget to tell each other" -Lillian Hellman. I have thought about this a lot, and I feel its the reason why people - friends, lovers, family - grow apart, instead of growing together.

Why I am writing this post? I started fb emailing with an old friend. It was sort of like pen pals. Reacquainting, without remembering past. Like, "Nice to meet you again. What is it you are like, now?".

Some of the things I realized in the course of our conversations are about how much I've changed and how much more aware of myself I am. I think I spent the bulk of my life being who other people wanted me to be. I knew what grades I needed to get to make my parents happy and to impress my teachers, but I didn't know what topics I felt curious about. I knew what clothes were popular, but not what clothes I liked wearing. I knew what songs and artists others preferred and perhaps even bought the albums or poster prints, but I didn't know my favorite music or the type of art I preferred.

Once I even told a boy I liked camping. Yeah. Right. I actually don't like sleeping in unfamiliar places, because I don't sleep. I also hate being physically uncomfortable. Tents just aren't comfy for me.

I also lied about my favorite music. I tried to enjoy dark, depressing movies. I became very involved with a boyfriend's favorite sport, even encouraging him to play in college. And when I dated a college football player, I trid to be the best football girlfriend. Not me! Now I could care less about that sport, I have a few CDs that may go unlistened to for awhile, and I only watch movies that are lighter, have great makeup or costumes, or are happy.

He said, "I think its good that I talk about myself this much" in a way that rang true with the topic of this post. I think whenever we meet new people, we are forced to meet ourselves again. Or, when we reconnect with old friends, we are allowed a new beginning (if it is a genuine friendship) and allowed to re-introduce or re-invent ourselves.

So... for those of you old friends out there, expect a friendly email, phone call, or invitation to coffee so we can reconnect. I'd love to find out just how it is you've changed, as well as reintroduce ourselves.

And as a challenge to myself (and to you, if you want to accept), I will try to be who really I am when I'm with others, rather than trying to be who I wish I was or who they think I should be or who they remember me to be.

Confession: Rude Behavior

I admit it. I was inappropriately curt with my husband tonight.

When I woke up from my evening nap (common occurrence these past two weeks, sleeping from 5-9 on the couch) I asked him to make me some tomato soup. Then I checked my email and chuckled at a few I got until the microwave "DING"ed.

He had not read the directions on the can of soup and hadn't added any water. I was annoyed. The more he tried to fix it, the more he kept messing up the soup. It didn't help that I was hungry NOW. He had to re-fix the soup and went to bed without even a nice, "Goodnight, honey".

I hate being crabby, sleeping on the couch, and feeling so ravenously hungry/ready to puke all the time.

It makes me seem like a grumpy bear instead of some elegant animal, like a nice giraffe or dainty jelly fish (which are my two favorite animals).

I am not sure what is best right now... should I wake him immediately and make reparations? He is a sound sleeper and might jump up and think I'm a burglar. But in the morning when I could just let him cuddle me, I will probably be thinking about if I could just fall asleep curled up to the toilet in anticipation the daily morning nausea or if being still and faking out the nausea will work.

Six Year Anniversary...

Six years ago this week, he and I fell in love.
Was it love at first sight? We actually met six years, six months ago. So apparently not.

As was the case for most of my boyfriends, he started out as a close friend, then best friend, and then boyfriend. He had been dating someone at the time, a girl I didn't know, but I felt incredibly remorseful about falling in love with someone else's boyfriend. In retrospect, I probably spent too much time worrying about that could have invested more time in US. I could have also made our relationship more public. Only a few people knew we were together.

And together is the correct term. Aside from two other friends, Dean-o and Jekel, we spent the rest of our time alone. Just us. And it was wonderful.

By the time second semester had ended, I was convinced we should break up. I couldn't imagine not living in the same place as him for an entire summer. I didn't even want to think about it. I think it was then we both knew it was "The One" time, even after a mere five months.

The photo above was taken two or three days after our first (very long, BTW) kiss. In it you can clearly see radiant smiles, snowflakes, and genuine affection.

It has been my challenge this week to show that kind of affection to my husband, and while perhaps I have not succeeded, I am still every bit as in love and still every bit as best friends with him.

Personal Mission Statement

One of my best buddies just mentioned she wrote or has been writing a personal mission statement. I've had one since high school. I also have a Bible verse that I use as my "life verse". I will write about that later.



Here is the mantra or motto I've been using lately: Just do the best I can for today.





What a huge change for me! I think I used to be more worried about being perfect at appearance, relationships, academics, career, and life. Now I am just getting by. Maybe I have washed my hair in the span of three days, maybe not. Ew, gross I know. But showers have been relegated to times of the day when I am not ultra nauseous and not asleep! And I have stopped doing perfect lesson plans in favor of survival. And I eat what I can for dinner, not worrying about cooking interesting things. For the last three months I've been all: So what if its frozen pizza for him again tonight? So what if my socks don't match my pants/shoes perfectly? So what if the best I can do is ...



While I don't think I'll lead my life like this forever, right now, it is a sanity saving mantra.

Confession: I am so judgemental. But at least I am aware of this. Now.

I've been very judgemental lately. I think pregnancy has intensified the emotional response I have to situations and people and I'm more vocal about expressing my opinion.

Things I've been judgemental about lately:

1. The Duggars. Watching their show I can't help by rant about gender stereotypes, exposure to new ideas, and evolution. I also hem and haw if I agree with their "trusting God to provide kids". I can understand the guilt they have about using abortificant-kind birth control pills. I feel so weird about that myself. I can understand praying about fertility and miscarriage to God. I can understand that having successful pregnancies after miscarriage is a HUGE thing. I can also understand why not? Their kids are peaceful, happy, good kids. Why not populate the Earth with good citizens? But then again, I can't get past the ill-preparation of their children to be successful in a non-stay at home mom and non-home school environment. And how patient the mom has to be. Would I have 17 kids? If the other 16 pregnancies are easy and not like this, maybe! But I can't fathom making those choices.

2. People who use bad grammar and don't spell check. My biggest vanity might be when I spell check /proof my blog entry that it says "no misspellings found". I feel such pride at that. I can't believe how judgemental I am about students with bad spelling. I think: were their teachers idiots? Do they just not care that they are juniors, but sound like junior highers? And our local journalists in Columbia are notorious for poor grammar on-air and piss-poor online news stories. I am sort of a Nazi about following basic rules of syntax and grammar.

3. That people simply don't know how common it is to have a miscarriage or problems with pregnancy and speak of their experiences as the most normal thing. And they can just gloat about the wonderful prego experience they are having. Can you believe some women have no nausea or vomiting? I can't! Saying: Gee, I didn't have a similar experience to you. I was never sick. doesn't make things better for me. It is starting to make my husband as annoyed as me! Real helpful, he says. AND some people just have no idea how lucky they are that they wanted to get pregnant, then they did, then they told everyone at 4 weeks, and then life goes on perfectly. They have no idea what they are "supposed" to be worrying about.

4. Parents who make excuses for their kids. They enable them to make poor choices since there are no real consequences for their actions. I think this is being put in place in our society, too. It can be seen in actions the government takes. I am more of a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and use your own God given talents to find a way. You eke out your own path, don't you dare let someone give you things (un-merited scholarships, meal tickets, inappropriate home loans).

Things I Want to Blog About:

My blog has become my own little space for opinions and recaps of my life. That's fine, that's okay.

But I want to write about more things that are deeper or more informative than "What should I be when I grow up? Life rocks/sucks! Shopping updates".

Here is a list of things I want to write about.

1. Energy use and winter.
2. Going to chiropractor.
3. My decision to not use chemical birth control pills and the research I did about that.
4. Wasting food... and ideas about how to fix this big financial and resource problem we've got in the Haid house.
5. Eating disorder research I've done and had done on me
6. Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course I took last Spring and my thoughts on Buddhism as a mostly-Baptist
7. Disposible vs. cloth diaper research I've done common misconceptions
8. Summary of the "nugget of knowledge" I got from church the past week and how it will influence my life
9. Things I have learned about coping mechansisms for very stressful life events from DBT class
10. Ways to make positive influences in youth as a teacher
11. Genetic disorder and my reaction to the genetic disorder I have
12. What to do when 4 of your BFFs move to a different city/state in one year's time, or "making friends as an adult"
13. Research I did about miscarriage, social perceptions of miscarriage, and miscarriage support groups nation wide
14. Teaching evolution, evolution and nature of science, points against intelligent design, what I believe as a Christian biology teacher

15. Blending a Catholic and Prodestant faith background, what we learned

16. My graduate school research project "Gender Groupings in Science Courses"

So, "followers"/readers, what topics should I spend my time writing about? Can I research any topics for you? I really enjoy researching from multiple sources, compiling the data or info I learn, and then thinking of a way to present it logically, succinctly, and correctly to an auidence. Sometimes through my filter and sometimes without opinions.

Monday Night Update:

Never made it to the rest of my Chipotle.
Never made it out of bed after quiet rest time at 5:30 pm.
Began reading "Inkheart", love it!
Fell asleep until hunger woke me at 10:30 pm.
Got two nice emails from friends.

And now the big question... where is the snow? Momma wants a snow day!!

Hurray!

Today was a good teaching day! Or, perhaps I will rephrase. It was a good day to be a teacher. No, we didn't have a snow day, silly. My students were calm, followed directions, and didn't act like the surly jerks from last week!

At about 1 pm I realized that I wasn't exhausted. I wasn't grumpy, either! Usually that is how I am feeling after my R3 and R4 classes. Today I feel great!

I'm going to eat some of the Chipoltle I bought, do some YOGA! and watch the weather channel to look for snow.

Goodbye, funderwear.

This weekend I "edited" my dresser drawers for clothes that don't fit well or won't fit well very soon. All my fun awesome bras are now tucked away on a shelf in the closet. Tank tops, size 8 summer dresses, I know I'll miss you this summer.

Hopefully the new preggo clothes I will buy to supplement my near empty dresser will fill the void.

I am wondering if I will really unpack those clothes, all the ones that are now tucked away because they will be ill-fitting. Should I basically give them away now, or sell them? I know I'll want new things.

This is a weird time of transition for my wardrobe. I am no longer pre-pregnancy.

The Guest House

Below is one of my favorite poems. I heard it for the first time in a mindfulness based stress reduction class I took.



It reminds me to embrace all emotions and circumstances, even uncomfortable ones. For those of you friends experiencing unpleasant emotions, I hope you can see the peace in this poem.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.


Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.


Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.


The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.


Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks

Lovely Saturday

List of things that made my Saturday lovely:

1) Not having the day's schedule determined by a set of school bells.
2) Great morning chat at coffee shop with an old friend who is a new fiancee
3) Tasty Creamy Tomato Soup from Panera (tastes like spaghetti-o's)
4) Making (and tasting) the most beautiful chocolate covered strawberries EVER, using Ghiradelli chocolate and the juiciest strawberries I've had in years
5) Smell of dryer sheets as I folded laundry
6) Bridget Jones - I love her love affair with Mr. Darcy and her wobbley bits
7) Cat nap in late afternoon
8) Time to relax with husby
9) Long phone chats with my best girlfriend and then mother
10) Only nausea today, no actual puking happening!!

My post on another blog...

Here's an excerpt from this blog I read...

"In other words, let's say that abortion is made illegal, what should the penalty be for getting an abortion?"

Yes, the woman who authors the blog is pro-abortion, pro-choice. But I do think she raises an interesting point.

Do I really believe that someone who gets an abortion, performs an abortion, pays for an abortion, or takes a person to have an abortion is a murder or an accomplice to a murder? So then, is life in prison a fair penalty? Or what about death penalty? Hmmm....

I've been thinking about this a lot today.

I couldn't NOT post a comment on this blog. I had to say my piece. Here's what I commented:

For this post, I found the comments more interesting and stimulating
that the actual post (no offense, CC). I still thinking about "Remove the barriers that make a woman feel hopeless enough to pursue abortion." What an
interesting idea. How to do this?
I am now 26. When I was still a teenager, I deeply believed that abortion was wrong. I had a preg. friend in HS who had her baby, even though her life could have been much easier and gone a different course if she'd had the pregnancy terminated.

During college, I started to feel like no laws should be put on my body. The
government doesn't know me, my options, my relationships, so don't make a
ruling. I was still sickened by partial birth abortions and the what not, but I
started to feel that it was an option for me, if I got pregnant. I didn't want my life to veer off the course I had set. I don't think because I went to a liberal college that my decisions were influenced by peers or professors. Its just how I felt at the time and how I experienced the world.

Now I am 26. I've suffered several miscarriages, and my opinion about when life starts has changed so much (even in regards to contraception). I think my opinion is more informed, since I have had to "work" at getting pregnant. All the high risk preg. doctors and medical professionals I have talked refer to my 14 week old fetus as "alive" and "a baby". As for me, there's no way I see this as an "it" or something that isn't alive until July 26th, its fore casted birthday.

What should the punishment be? Gosh, I only considered abortion for a pregnancy that ended in spontaneous abortion, and I am deeply affected by those thoughts. I can only imagine the inner punishment a woman feels later in life for making that tough choice. I sought a lot of counseling during the time after my miscarriages, and one thing someone said that still resonates with me is "if life didn't begin at
conception, why do you feel such a profound loss?".

Of course, this is my perspective. And yes, I live in the Mid West and I am a believer. I also teach high school biology, so I am around kids with irresponsible sexuality and have had lots of training in teaching health issues and developmental
biology.

So now I want to know what you think... I know lots of my blog friends have
strong opinions about babies and health care and laws and the like.

If we were to agree that abortion should be illegal and pass a law
saying as such, what would be the consequences for that law? I
don't have the answers, I just want feedback to think about it more.

The link for the post is above, as well as right here. The comments on
the post are really interesting and heated, too.

Crappy Day at Work

It was bad because I had lunch duty (sucks, had to put up with smell of corn dogs and tacos YUCK! and some kid on purpose smashed an orange juice container on the floor and made a mess).

It was bad because a few great kids had bad attitudes/threats hurled back and forth at each other/almost fought in my 6th hour class. Of course the other kids couldn't concentrate on my review of cellular respiration.

It was bad because all but six kids in my 4th hour were defiant, rude, uncooperative, and disrespectful. They definitely deserved to be called bad names for their bad behavior.

It was bad because it was 60 degrees, but I had to be inside.

Mostly it was just bad because of the students' poor choices and terrible lack of respect. Today I officially HATED my job.

If if I to say anything about my day that I liked, it would have to be that I started it out optimistically. I had hall duty and greeted students at the front door. I tried so hard to be welcoming and pleasant. Later in the day, I had one student be a bright, shining star/academic role model. He used to make very bad academic and behavior choices, so he got a positive referral. The other good thing is that I left at 3:45 and I don't have to go back there until 7:30 tomorrow.

But I wish I didn't have to go back. :o[

I want a job with pleasantries, kindness shown towards the rest of humanity, and appreciation for the energy and effort I put into my job.

LOST!!

Oh yes, quite a good two hours of television! And we have it recorded, so you bet we're going to watch and rewind to figure out who those fire arrow shooting people were!

We went to our friends'/neighbors' house to view and eat our traditional LOST meal of homemade pizza. I made it until 10 pm, which is a real rarity and feat, as well as not barfing until after the car ride home. Suck!!

Evidence That I've Been A Good Teacher... At Least Past Tense

Okay, lately I've been using words like "lazy, racist, non-learners" to describe my students. I think I've even called a few of them some choice words.

I've approached the last two weeks of lesson planning as "crisis management" and "substitute-ready", because I've suffered from nausea, apathy, and general discomfort associated with pregnancy and winter month teaching.

Today I had a few kick-butt lectures/discussion questions about metabolism and cellular respiration. I maintained the focus of 24 pupils during the last hour of the day, not letting them have a choice to quit or be a non-participant. I was a real hard ass.

I've been a bit sharp and more than a little bit grumpy in my classes, and I am aware that I am doing more of calling out students by name who are off task and asking them to rejoin the group than my behavior management teachers from college would appreciate (use non-verbal cues, don't single out a kid). I've even gotten into a few arguments with students, insisting that they play by the rules (MY rules) and do their work/not be on cell phone/not talk while I am talking. I think I've said, "Do you understand that talking while a classmate or a teacher is speaking is both rude and not beneficial to the learning process?" and "Do you know that its rude to interrupt others? Because it is" and "I've asked nicely with please once before. This time I am telling you to remove your backpack from table/give me your phone/turn off your iPod".

I am not especially proud of the teacher I've been... though perhaps some of the "good kids" appreciate me getting after the jerks that are interfering with their educations. I am always worried that some kids will have their spirit crushed and won't feel like sharing or taking learning risks in my classroom after I call them out. And this is probably the case.

But pregnancy and high school teaching are not matches made in heaven. Aside from the personal stories they are interested in hearing about, I am a total bear sometimes.

As I was looking through a folder on my computer entitled "From Old Computer - Pictures Without Folders" I came across a few wonderful teaching memories. The first two pictures might have been from the best series of lessons I ever designed and executed... Life Cycles of a Star.

On Day 1 in this unit, we celebrated the birthday of a Star by enjoying some cake and singing Happy Birthday. In order to get their treat, they had to write a "recipe for a star", which basically summarized the process of star formation.

On Day 2, we graphed the qualities of stars (brightness, distance from Earth, size, etc) to find patterns. This established the patterns the Main Sequence stars fall in, and then the outliers.

On Day 3-4, we learned about the different paths a star can go through from birth to death, depending on amount of energy the stars started with. I believe we took a few days for this, in which I read a story that I'd written (biography style) of a star, used white boards to trace the flow of the star through other stages, and drew life cycle of star posters.

On day 5 we visited the local planetarium, which was awesome. We discussed the trip on Day 6 and wrote thank you letters to the director of the planetarium (former co-worker of mine). They were given the homework assignment to write an obituary for a star for homework. The assignment had pretty good connections with communication arts and multiple forms of literature, as we read a few obituaries from newspapers.

The culminating activity was "Funeral for a Star" day. The children were asked to dress in black (and you can see that most did!). The little boy standing in the front of the room was especially precious. I selected only a few students to "perform" their obituary as a eulogy, reading the death notice and life history of their fictional star to the class. I tried to set a somber tone by dimming the lights, having only the over head projector and constellation collage lit.

Freddie, the boy in the front of the class, was a low-achieving kid. He rarely remembered to do his homework and didn't usually understand material the first time it was presented. He was in ELL class, though I think Spanish was spoken in his home and he'd been born in Texas. He was so proud that he'd been chosen to recite that even though he was shy, he confidently got up to read.

Thinking back, I had SUCH great community in my classes when I taught 8th grade. My second year/last year, I can only think of one out of six classes that had poor community (due to a mix of 18 boys and 4 girls).

The second series of photos is also from my second year teaching 8th graders. I am pictured with two students who wrote an essay "My Favorite Teacher". I was awarded Boone County's Favorite Teacher 6-12 grades and Missouri's Favorite Teacher 6-12th grades because of the two essays these children wrote. True, it was a contest I'd never heard of prior to notification, but OMG!!! The recognition of my hard work by kids was the best reward for that year.

The girls were visitors from South Korea. They had the opportunity to travel to our state capitol to present their speeches and to be recognized by the legislature. I was even given a special document/plaque from our senator. It hangs in our home near our diplomas as a reminder of that experience.

Photo with students, their families, and the Governor.

Good Dreams

I've always had very vivid dreams and often can remember details of them hours after I have woken. Some resources I've read say that pregnant women dream longer, more detailed dreams. I don't know if pregnancy has affected the duration or plot lines of my dreams, but I have had a few wonderful dreams lately that I feel like writing about.

Last night, I had the pleasure of a non-pregnancy, responsibility-free dream. This one included a rock-climbing, cross country 5K through some beautiful park. There were a few characters in the dream that I recognized, like a cousin and a kid from Pacific I used to know, but other than that, I had no responsibilities of a 26 year old. I didn't think about my career once in the dream. Or anything house or bill related. It was just running and rock climbing. So fun!

Two nights ago I had a dream that I was a camp counselor at MASC Fulton again. This was a major experience in my life, and occurred two weeks after I graduated from high school. For those brief hours, I was 18 again, playing, dressing up for parties, and carefree.

Those two dreams have been real blessings for me. They helped ease the anxiety of pregnancy and my job, lifted the responsibilities I have at home, and allowed me to feel free. They also helped me to realize how temporary this pregnancy thing is. I haven't always been pregnant and feeling like I got run over by a cement truck. I haven't always felt seasick or dry heaved with regularity. And the BEST PART: I won't always feel these uncomfortable and unpleasant sensations.

I think I've been getting "stuck" in all the unhealthiness. I feel depressed when I don't feel physically healthy. Its been especially helpful for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to visualize the times when I wasn't pregnant and the times when I won't be again. Like, late July or mid August. No matter what happens, I will be out of the pregnancy related vomiting and need for 12 hours of sleep a night.

I feel sleepy all the time.

I like being snuggled in. Usually it means I am not feeling too sick and that I don't have too much to worry about. Husband's been great about taking care of house business to indulge my slumber.

So, three hours earlier than I would have gone to bed a few years ago, its good night for me!

Retail Therapy

I know this about myself: wearing ugly, ill fitting clothes and eating unappetizing foods aid my steady slide down the depression hill.

So after I wrote those Bummero posts this morning, I took care of myself by making some changes.

I set forth to get some clothes that fit my ever-changing body. I also decided to dine alone, on food that seemed very tasty.

Here's the schedule of my day:

11:45: Head to SBucks. The barista suggested Passion Tea. I loved it. It tastes sort of like KoolAid, but tea-ish.

12:15 - Returned DVDs to library and checked out three books.

12:30 - Pad Su Ee (sp?) with Tofu and Jasmine rice from Bangkok Gardens. Yummy. Leftovers, too!

1:00 - Old Navy's 50% off Clearance sale. Yes, that's right! I scored some maternity cords for $6. And some shirts for $2.50. In total, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 cords, 3 shirts, and something else (?) for under $40! Hurray.

2:00 - Target. Haven't been there since Christmas. Hello, old friend! I scored a few decent clearance items, and splurged on a $65 work outfit. It feels professional and nice. Maybe I'll want to go to work for a change, if I have that spiffy outfit to wear! And a bra.Yes, its like the sixth new bra I've gotten in two months. Geez. Rapid changes!

3:00 - Snack time! Panera has these delicious new bagels that are called Trail Mix. They rock! I think I'll buy a bunch and freeze for when some blech flavor (like Banana nut or something) is the flavor of the month.

So, there's the scoop. I know that it costs a hundred bucks to make me feel better, but I think its better than sitting on the couch in too small sweats whining about feeling gross.

Another Reason Why First Trimester Sucks

All the time has been spent worrying if the baby will die, mentally preparing for a miscarriage at or around Christmas season, and anxiety about doctor appointments. With all the worry and mental stress is the physical stress of being sick every morning and feeling junky when clothes don't fit correctly. Boo!

When will the fun stuff start to happen?

Lame-o Friday Night (or: Why First Trimester of Pregnancy Sucks)

Usually I look forward to Friday nights because I am alert and ready for a fun trip, dinner out, or an event that is more of a weekend event than a weekday event.

(Its funny that I used the word ALERT to describe my mood!)

This all changed about the sixth week of pregnancy, two weeks after the pregnancy was confirmed. It has continued for seven weeks, and I must say I am getting tired of this! I now spend my Friday nights like other nights, moaning because I feel sick (whatever dinner I ate didn't sit right), hungry (but too sick to eat good food), and in sloppy sweatpants on or near the couch. BORING!! I am no longer alert, but insanely tired. Perky is not a word that would accurately describe me!

Last night, the main events were taking a hot shower, helping to make a homemade pizza, and then (you guessed it) couch/TV time. Snoozing on the couch at about 8:30 pm, and heading to bed hours before my husband.

This is definitely a Lame-O Preg-O event listing.

The Post in Which I Describe the First Month of Pregnancy

Few women know when they are in the first month of pregnancy because it occurs during the time before the next expected menstrual period.





I knew I was pregnant before a test could confirm. I knew the exact time it happened because I had been charting my cycle as a way to learn more about NFP since I no longer use chemical contraception. I was highly aware of changes in my body, probably because I have a heightened sensetivity associated with history of eating disorder and poor body image.





So from the beginning of the last week of October to the middle of the second week of November, I more or less assumed I was pregnant. I researched a few OB offices, hoping to find someone who has worked with pregnant women who are in eating disorder recovery. I also bought a box of pregnancy tests to take on Friday, November 14. Yes, a box. I didn't think just one would do it!





On that Friday, my husband was preparing to leave for a hunting trip. I asked him to wait until I had taken the test. He felt certain I was pregnant, and he was very enthusiastic. After waiting the mandatory 3 minutes, we looked at the test. We could easily see one line. The other line... was it there? Was it our imagination? Was it a shadow? Was it barely there?





After seeing this test, my husband said, "Dang. I was so sure you were pregnant. Like 100% Now I doubt you are."



I texted a friend, who urged me to re-test on Saturday morning. I did, and I got the same result. One real line, one sort-of-maybe-barely line. So I used another test. I looked up results like this online, and got some great advice. DIGITAL TESTING.



Its.so.worth.the.extra.three.bucks.



I did the digital test that afternoon, and clearly saw the words "PREGNANT" appear on the screen. Phew! At least I had some answers!



That week I found a great prenatal care facility. I called around looking for someone with an extra sensitive staff and knowledge of EDs, but I found so much more. The doctor was more interested in my previous pregnancy losses and early intervention in this pregnancy. He told me to take twice the folic acid (800mg) and an 81mg baby aspirin. The following day I met Dr. Grant and had a long patient interview. After, I had 18 vials of blood drawn for testing. Large vials. It took half an hour for the entire process! Phew.



About three days later, my new personal nurse Mary called to let me know a few of the test results. They came out positive for a few things that aren't typical, so I was quickly scheduled for another appointment. During this appointment, I learned a few things.

1. I have a disordered thyroid that doesn't produce enough hormone, so I need to take Synthroid, at least during pregnancy. Pregnancy might have aggravated this disorder, and I may or may not have it after I am pregnant.

2. I have really high levels of inflammation in my body. I am supposed to take Fish Oil and alter my diet to take care of this.

3. I have a genetic disorder called MTHFR. (Sometimes I call it by the sound it makes whenever I blend all the consonants together... because its really a curse!). This genetic disorder affects my ability to absorb folic acid, a nutrient critical for cell division. This is why I had two miscarriages. It lead the doctor to think I could have had more than 2, but simply wasn't aware. To remedy this problem, I need to take 12 times the normal dose of Folic Acid - which is 5 mg (compared to 0.8mg) .



4. I have a higher than average risk of dying from heart attack or stroke because of the MTHFR and inflammatory condition. I need to change my diet from anything with HFCS (high fructose corn syrup), fried food, and sugar to foods like fish and salads.



After learning this information, we were scheduled for another ultrasound appointment to view our baby. Since this was classified as a high risk pregnancy, we were told to come back every week to monitor the baby's progress, as well as my own health conditions.



The first month of pregnancy plus one week ended mid November. It can best be summarized by this sentence: At first I didn't know for sure, but thought maybe, and then when I did know for sure, I felt really anxious.

The Cost of Memories of the 2008-2009 School Year

It costs forty bucks to order a HS Year Book. Woah!! I think it will cost more in therapy and vacation expenses for me to FORGET parts of this school year!

In high school, our yearbooks cost $25. Even eight years ago, that seemed sort of high.

Forty bucks? Geez. That was a half a paycheck for me in high school

A Job!!

This afternoon a prayer was answered. My husband got the job with the county! He'll be a civil engineer, primarily reviewing plans as they relate to storm water regulations and other environmental and governmental regulations as well as doing some design projects.

He will be making $5,000 more per year, with a salary review in 6 months. His previous job hadn't yielded a raise in several years.

To celebrate, we are going out for fajitas! Its been a lean two months financially for us, so having this blessing allows us to relax and just feel more secure.

And he can resume his WW2 gun collection.

And I can resume my various collections from Target.

Oh, he'll start Jan 26. That's just enough time for him to paint a room and do other odd jobs around the house!

Monday Morning

Dear Monday Morning,

Next week, please take a little longer arriving. Today you came so quickly, and try as I could to ignore you, you were there buzzing at me to get up and leave my comfy lair. Then you dragged on and on, teasing me with the knowledge I have four more mornings until Sleep In Saturday.

Don't feel bad that you are my least favorite morning. At least its only out of 7, and not out of 365 or something.

From:
Sleepy Head

Update: First Full Week of January

I hope that this week doesn't stand to represent the entire year!

This week was full of:
- fatigue, even at 7 am
- grumpy, intentional non-learners in my classroom
- a messy house, as my husband has been reorganizing all the closets
- unbalanced meals I pick at

I would rather my week have been full of:
- energy and restful sleep
- excited motivated students
- clean, stress free living
- Delicious meals I made myself or ones specially prepared for me


But, the week was what it was. I'll never get a redo of that part of 2009! So, instead let me blog about a few good things that happened this week:

1. Today, I had the chance to take a 45 minute walk around a lake in a great park. The weather was so nice. With the setting sun making all things light purple and softer, it made for great nature watching and appreciation time. Its been so cold lately that having the chance to be outdoors and breathe in the fresh air was a great treat.

2. I reconnected with a best friend on the phone. We hadn't spoken in two weeks, which is a near record for the past three and a half years! She is beginning student teaching, so we had a lot of stories to share. It was really nice to hear from her (although she did mention it was 70 degrees and her windows were open!).

3. My husband spent time adding more shelving to the closets. We pared down our wardrobes, which were housed in two different closets, and merged into "my" closet. This meant he gave away dozens of shirts he has had since high school and a few ugly sweaters I begged him not to wear. I also threw out or gave away half of my purses and bags. I sorted through my closet and have a tub full of "spring clothes I won't be wearing this spring", a garbage bag of clothes to donate, and a big stack of shoes to sort through. For some reason, its difficult for me to throw out shoes. I take great care in choosing them, so maybe its an emotional attachment. Even so, some pairs have seen better days. I read somewhere that for each new pair of shoes you buy, you should toss a pair of old shoes. It seems like good "declutter" advice.

4. I had enough energy on Thursday to make a meal! Supper preparation is a challenge for me, since my energy level is pretty low around 6 pm. I've found that I can either spend time doing "me things" (like yoga) or "us things" (like helping my husband sort through closets) OR fix dinner. I chose dinner last night. I made Chicken Pot Pie. Actually, I made two chicken pot pies! I had enough ingredients to try two different options. I'll post on the one we liked better soon.

5. Yoga time. I've made the intention to try to do it 5 out of 7 nights per week. By giving myself some freedom to miss a few nights, I actually do it more. I have a hard time with black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking. I get discouraged when I don't follow my intention of daily exercise, so upon the suggestion of an advisor, I am trying this 5 out of 7 thing. I might apply it to a few other things that have been difficult, like preparing dinner, eating a balanced breakfast, washing my hair, and making the bed. I'll post later about two yoga poses/flows that have rocked my world lately.

Well, that is the update for tonight! I am going to go check on the fries I've put in the oven for my dinner. I think that fries are really just a vehicle for one of my favorite foods: KETCHUP!

The Reason Why My Days Are Great, Even When Cirumstances are Unpleasant.

He makes bad situations like closet cleaning bearable, he makes ordinary occurrences like trips to the supermarket more pleasant, and makes wonderful circumstances into perfect memories.

I took this photo of him last May at a graduation party we had for a friend at our house. I felt stressed the entire week getting the house prepared for the big event, and he stayed calm being my "go to guy". He was able to relax and enjoy the party, too. I learn a lot about how to enjoy life from my husband's positive attitude. God blessed me with a perfect best friend.

Dear Santa, I Want a Circle

On Christmas Eve Eve, I had a nice little Santa experience.  While I am not totally sure if I want our family to "do" Santa and all the fable entails, I do like learning what little minds have sorted out about the Jolly Old Elf.
I kept my friend's daughter for a bit during a doctor appointment, and we colored a letter for Santa. This is what she wrote! I didn't help her AT ALL, only writing down what she said and beginning the: I live ... statement.

Note: she did get two presents, and in fact more. No word on the circle she wanted.

How I've spent some of my time lately...

(Image from Amazon.com)

My brother-in-law gave me a gift certificate to amazon.com. It was spent nearly as soon as I got it! I have a list of items in my shopping cart at this site, and LOST Season 4 was at the top.

When I got the DVDs in the mail, I was a little disappointed with the amount of episodes. I forgot about the writers' strike. What did I do with my time? I guess I read more or something. Or watched bad TV.

Since I have been rather sloth-like while in the first trimester of my pregnancy, I took advantage of the couch time. I have watched nearly all of it in a week! True, I didn't pay very close attention to the first few episodes because I was un-decorating the Christmas tree. I don't think I missed much. All the action is in the last four episodes!

So now I am in the part that is so interesting - the last 2 hour episode. I know that the boat will blow up, that the island will poof!, and that Locke is Jeremy Betham. But I am so excited to see it again!

LOST Season 5 Countdown has officially begun! You'll notice the little countdown box at the top of the site. Yep, I know its silly and dorky. Its also mysterious and interesting. You only have a few more days to watch all the seasons and get caught up!

Book Review: Eclipse by S. Meyer

I've been waiting to write about this novel for awhile. I want to do it justice.

As a synopsis: all the main characters return. This time, the werewolves and vampires team up for a common threat. Minor characters, like Jasper and Seth, have larger roles. Jacob still loves Bella and wants her to love him back. Edward is nice to Jacob, but he wants Bella. Bella is "I love both of you! But Edward more!!".

Yeah, that review sounds a little negative. I think its because I wasn't as enthralled by this story. Bella is starting to wear on me. I wish she liked being herself and didn't have to change species for her true love.

I "rationed" out this book by delaying the last third. I wanted to "save" it because I only have one more left!

Inspiration

I have a few people in my life that serve to encourage me. They can't know that it is in the EXACT right time that they swoop in, lift my spirits, dry my tears, or calm my fears.

It has happened three times in three days. On Friday I got such an encouraging email from a friend who knew what was on my heart and prayed with me. On Saturday my MIL supported me and my pregnancy by buying me a special gift, reminding me that this is a special time and I can celebrate it now. Today I got a lovely message from someone who knows about a different part of me and understands how I heal and live in the world.

It must be that when all I can do is cry out to God, Please, God, that God uses other people to show His love.

End of Vacation

Its the feeling you know is going to happen.
Sort of like how you know peeling of the band aid will hurt.
Or how sad the movie "Life is Beautiful" will be, no matter how many times you watch it.

Going back to work for someone else, when the only person you've worked for is yourself (and even that is merely preparing your own breakfast or washing your hair) is crappy.

Every time I finish a vacation I realize how much I love setting my own schedule.
I love relaxing when I want to.
I will miss being able to take lunch when I want.
I'll miss listening to my own body about when to eat and how long to sleep.

I'll miss vacation.

Book Review: Healing Waters by N. Rue and S, Arteburn

Having enjoyed the first Sullivan Crisp novel this summer, I was excited to learn that the second volume would be released in the beginning of December! I received it as a Christmas gift.

Okay: down to reviewing.

The book is a page-turner, just like the last one. The setting is well described and often used to advance the plot, an attribute of writing I enjoy. The main characters are somewhat predictable, but then again, if I could predict their emotions and reactions to situations, I could also visualize the characters. Perhaps that is good writing, not merely stale, predictable characterization. The rising action in the story is somewhat energetic, but I could predict the ending to the story. I think the plot was more interesting in the first book. The message of healing, redemption, God's love, and appropriate human relationships is very clear. Like the first novel, aspects of toxic faith are explored, as are doubts about God and ultimate truths about God. The book is about characters who are hurting and who act appropriately too seek help, by seeking counsel, relationships with healthy individuals, and make positive steps to work through their suffering.

I don't think that the eating issues mentioned in the novel were fully explored, nor was the counsel given appropriate. How can 30 years of inappropriate reactions to food be summarized and rethought in only a few chapters/few days of the plot? Also, I think that the negative self-talk found in the first third of the book is appropriate -- but really disturbing. I know first hand how difficult it is to tune out and reprogram thoughts. I don't think the author bridged the transitions between the character's inner turmoil and sudden bursts of self-confidence well. Perhaps this personal opinion is mine alone, since I've spent a full 3 years in therapy to reverse 15 years of negative self-talk and have struggled to re-write the tapes that play in my head.

This book has been named "Novel of the Year 2009" by Women of Faith Ministries. I think they selected it because of the main character's relationship with herself, food, and others. The insight into negative self-talk, limited access to love and acceptance, and emotional eating is significant. In my opinion, everyone can relate to how the main character feels because she herself struggles with self-worth and Godly self-love, or because it is so easy to see others who could struggle with similar issues and realize how detrimental our own behavior is to their lives.

I wouldn't recommend this book for a person with an active eating disorder that is restrictive or purging in nature. I would recommend it for those who use food to deal with emotions, stuffing them, and to those who eat absent minded-ly. I don't know if those who have only binge eating disorder or those who are obese would like the book. There is a lot of "Fat Talk" in the book, none of it done humorously, none done in a way that is hurtful. Mostly its the character's own self-hatred talking. It wasn't palatable for me.

Other themes in the book include relationships with mothers, addiction, loved ones of suicide victims, toxic faith, and disappointment.

For some reason, the first book that dealt with adultery and divorce was more interesting to me, probably because I have no first hand experience. I learned more about how God feels about these things and how complex relationships are from that book.

I have a copy of this that I am ready to share with a few friends who are interested!

Confession: Cable Addict!

I've been a couch potato lately.

We got a free trial of the Deluxe Super Special Mega Cable Package when we switched Internet providers. We also got the device that programs TV recordings and enables you to fast forward through commercials or rewind to see the best parts of movies.

I haven't had cable since I lived with a few spoiled housemates, and even back then, I balked at spending so much for TV. Since we've been married, we have opted to spend the Cable TV bill in different ways - first by supporting friends on the mission field, then by ordering Blockbuster Online movies, and making special gifts for friends. I can't imagine having ANOTHER monthly bill. I hate monthly installment plans because I always multiple the bill by 12 and think "Holy Crap! That's a lot of money for just one year!".

Its been a luxurious 2 weeks. We've got six more to go!

Here's what's been keeping me busy - the programs I record to watch later:

• Marathons - Private Practice, House, Planet Earth, Jon and Kate Plus 8
• Deliver Me and Birth Day (both on Discovery Health Channel)
• Cooking shows - Paula Deen, The Neelys, 30 Min Meals, Giada, Semi Homemade
• House Hunters

My husband has been recording lots of guns, ammo, hunting, wild game, etc. shows. I hope he watches them when I am gone!

I doubt we'll keep the cable, but it has certainly been nice! We'll be back to the same channels soon enough - ABC, NBC, the religious channel, 3 PBS channels, and two 24 hour weather stations.

Naming Dilemma! or: Confession: I am into popular baby names.

Admit it: most people have thought of potential children's' first names. All of my girlfriends have, and I can remember two or three of my former boyfriends who knew exactly what they wanted to name future children.

As for me, I always thought I didn't want to have a child with a name on a Top 10 List. I don't have a first name in the Top 10 list.

Growing up, I was proud that my name didn't have to be followed by the first initial of my last name and that I wasn't lumped into the groups of Jessicas or Ashleys or Ambers or whoever else. I was the only one, until someone named their baby after me! Now, my name is more popular. Its been in three of the books I've read in the last year (although all characters are at least ten years younger than me).

I want very distinct, classic, lovely names for my children. I thought I had selected the cream of the crop. No way am I am trend follower... but wait! When I see the list of baby names that are the most popular for 2008, my eyes pop! How in the world is my "unique" taste so generic! Everyone loves the names I love!

For example, my husband and I selected a name for our first daughter, a first trimester pregnancy loss. On the morning that was to be her birthday, we sat in bed together and decided she needed a name. I narrowed it down to three or four names, and my husband immediately chose my favorite one: Ava. It's such a little name, cute, old-fashioned, and has a nice meaning. Its appropriate that it is derived from the Latin aves, because like a bird, she flew away.

Today I checked a list of 2008 baby names, and at the TOP of the girls' names is AVA. Whoa! I felt so surprised to see other names I think are darling on the list, too. I've reconciled that I won't have a son named Aiden (or Aaden) because its too trendy and doesn't work well pronunciation wise with the strange spelling of the last name Haid (for sure everyone would say Aiden Hayd, rather than Aiden Hyde). But all of the other lacy and classy names... do I have to say goodbye to them, too?

My friend sent me this link, What A Lovely Name, which is nice. I've also got The Baby Name Wizard, which is very helpful and well organized.


To further complicate the matters, my husband's last name is German. Its difficult to pronounce, and so many of the popular baby names have interesting vowel combinations that don't work with German names.

We've looked at the top Swiss and German names for babies recently and lots are very nice. I've also looked at his family records to find other names of Haids, to see if there is some name out there that is tried and true, and has familial significance. The jury is still out on this one.

Another twist in this baby name plot is that I have had two other people "steal" names that I really liked. I know, I saw the episode of Friends, and I should have known better. One person in particular had chosen an unpleasant male name, and when I told her our best boy name, her eyes glistened and I could visibly see her change her son's name. And six months later, we got a birth announcement with MY baby name!

Okay, here's the last baby name drama to add... my husband is the sixth in his family, the sixth generation, to share a first name. He's very attached to the first name and wants the seventh generation first male Haid to share in the tradition. The first Haid came from Switzerland and started this whole trend in the 1850s. Luckily, the name has stood the test of time (a century and a half!) and is still "normal". Heck, its usually on the Top 10 List! Which brings me back to the popularity dilemma...

I guess the bottom line is:

Should I suck up my pride and just choose a name I enjoy, even if its super popular?

Or should I go with my gut, which says to pick a slightly unusual name?

And finally...

Can I still use the "Stolen" baby names, or would I harbor malice towards the other baby with the same name?

Beautiful Weather, Lovely Park

Today's high temperatures were somewhere near 65 degrees. What a great surprise for the second day of January!

I decided to use the day to my advantage. I know I've been feeling down lately. Fresh air and lots of sun make me feel more alive and really brighten my spirits. I took my MIL on a walk at Stephens Lake Park.

I left feeling physically tired, because I haven't exercised much in the last two months *okay, at all*. I also felt mentally and emotionally refreshed.

Even though I remember I usually feel better after I do things like its, its sort of difficult to reach out and take a risk and go out to do something out of my routine. I am happy I did this today for myself and for my psyche. No should-ing or anything.

My advice and opinions of nondisposible pads... because someone asked!

All summer I thought about switching from Tampax and pantyliners to a more eco-friendly solution. I realized I was flushing or throwing away a lot of money, and I would continue for another twenty years. A blog I read called "Crunchy Chicken" had a lot of information about Diva Cup and Glad Rags, so I started to research.

After reading about it, I was keenly interested in Diva Cup, but I decided not to buy one because I hoped I'd be pregnant soon and didn't want to have to buy another size. (Diva Cup size 1 is for younger women who haven't birthed, size 2 is for those who have had a baby or are over 30).

I decided to buy a cloth pad instead of a Diva Cup to start. I ordered from etsy.com because I liked the patterns a little bit better and didn't really want the removable liners. I ordered a 3 pack - overnight, regular, and panty liner, as well as a 5 pack of panty liners. About a month later I ordered 5 more panty liners and 5 more regular pads. Since I've been pregnant, I wear the panty liners each day and 11 seems to be enough. I think having 6 pads would be enough for me, too.

Washing them... really not an issue. I usually rinsed it out in my bathroom sink. If laundry was going, I'd put it in. If not, I'd put it in a glass bowl I keep in the shower (to catch the water that is warming up to reuse to water plants, flush, etc) to soak. It is recommended to soak them in cool water. I never have had any staining issues.

How about the comfort factor? I was really surprised. I don't prefer disposable pads at all. I now prefer these to tampons. I can't really describe what it feels like - but it doesn't feel wet or uncomfortable at all. No leaks, either. I think I had less cramping, and others report that the length of their period shortens. I can't confirm. I only had two periods with them before I got pregnant, and I am looking forward to having one again because they are so great!

Last week, I had some friends stay at the house. One asked me for some girl products and my husband piped up, "Oh no, we only use washable cloth pads now. No throwing things away!". It was sort of funny, but I can tell he isn't grossed out by them. He even knows that I prefer to air dry them, and does so when he does my laundry.

If I knew how to use a sewing machine, I might make some of my own. I am not really into reusing fabric from my t-shirts or flannel from my husband's shirts, as some sites suggest. I found many different designs online, ranging from Velcro ones, fleece ones, snaps, huge diaper looking ones, all kinds. I decided to order from etsy.com rather than the two larger companies, Lunapads and Glad Rags, for price. I read all the seller reviews and am SO pleased with the seller I chose. I think I will buy some other products from Lunapads, such as lunapanties or some of the comfort items in the future.

Any other questions about this?

An incentive for you to try something new and be greener!

Friends, I have blogged about this before, and for some of you, I am sure its TMI.

I am talking about reusable cloth pads. If you can wrap your mind around the idea of them, can picture rinsing them out in a sink or folding them up until you can soak them, and can handle putting them in the laundry, you are more than half the way there.

The other part that might be difficult is the initial cost. Yes, one cost as much as a large pack of disposable maxis. The difference is that once you have used up that package, its gone. Gone to you, but not gone from the Earth. There is so much waste in menstrual products over a woman's fertile years, both financial and material-wise.

Although I don't use this particular brand for pads, I think their website is very thorough and answers all questions you might have. Its also well designed. I have ordered other materials from their company and have found their customer service is impeccable.

AND... the company asked me to share a special promo code for you. They offer special sales each month, and this month in additional to other promotion, you can use the Promo Code gogreen09 to save $5 off orders > $35 until February 28, 2009.

Another great giftie

I got the Rachael Ray dutch oven I wanted from my mother. Its blue.

(Well, I originally wanted this one, but I figured I needed a little more practice and a few years in culinary school before the purchase was justified!)

I've never actually cooked with a dutch oven, so I am excited to look for recipes that call for slow cooking, simmering, or braising. In the past, I skipped every recipe that called for Dutch Oven. While researching this post, I found a few good websites I'll come back to and therefore want to reference here: International Dutch Oven Society (haha, it really exists!) Le Creuset, Food Network

Recipezaar basic search.

I like getting kitchen appliances and accessories. The only problem is my limitted storage space! Luckily, my husband is getting ready to install a pantry cupboard in our laundry room and an additional cabinet in the peninsula. Then I can get the other sizes of DOs in the other two colors!

Here's an interesting and DISGUSTING side note: When my BIL heard me mention I got a dutch oven for Christmas, he couldn't stop laughing. He told all the other males in the room, most college age, who also giggled like little kids. Apparently the term is applied to something else, just way gross. So gross, I warn you not to click the link!!

Business Lunch

Here's hoping the "business lunch" my husband was invited to yesterday turns into a job offer! He had a casual lunch with the director of the county's public works, who needs to hire a CivE soon.

PS, if not, he got a free steak dinner!

Blogger Bummer Rant

Okay, I don't want this blog to turn into:

1) A pregnancy only thing
2) Disparaging and discouraging doom and gloom.

Those two things being said I have to write about how I am feeling these days...
which is NOT fabulous and NOT adventurous.

What a bummer that my big trip out on New Years Eve was to Kilgore's Pharmacy to get anti-nausea meds. And our date night got cut short when I got sick at the steakhouse, leaving us with re-heated steak leftovers.

I am especially sensitive of with reoccurring pregnancy loss, since I myself face that crappy, crappy reality, and so I will try really hard not to overdo it on complaints.

How many more medications will I have to take? I am up to more than 10 pills per day. I think it might be 13, with the option of 4 more, if needed... holy crap! I hate swallowing pills and taking medicine.

How many more days of vomiting and nausea? Because its been so many in a row that I can't remember the last time I could eat whatever I wanted, when I wanted, or not worry about throwing up wherever I went.

How much longer will I be this exhausted? I feel like half of my day is spent in bed and the other half on the couch. Without cable and a few novels, I'd go nuts.

How much longer until I feel like I have ownership of this pregnancy? That is to say, that I can feel safe being attached to it and emotionally secure that there will be a baby at the end of this mess? I still don't feel confident about this.

How many more people will be so super excited for me? How long until I will be ready to respond with matching enthusiasm? I feel much more terrified that something should go wrong. I don't think all those super excited people know how dark the depression gets after a loss, and how scary it is to consider that it might be there, waiting for me.

Yep, this is definetly a doom and gloom pregnancy post.

I'll wrack my brain for something more fun to write about, perhaps some book review or reviews of Christmas gifts.