Today's Agenda:

Enjoy the last day of March.

Do so by hanging laundry out on the line and then having a massive fold the laundry party in my living room while watching episodes from season two of LOST and enjoying the breeze tunnel created by the vacuum of open windows on parallel walls. (I am the only guest to this party)

Take another run this afternoon in the sunshine and maybe even sweat and get some sunglasses tan lines on my face.

I will take this little guy with me, too.



For dinner: In light of last night's triumphant Cottage Pie made entirely from leftovers and pantry staples, I am on the conquest of creating another Mrs. Haid original recipe. I am thinking foccacia pizza crust, basil pesto, sun dried tomatoes, mozzarella, and ground beef heaped generously on husby's portion.

After night has fallen and the cadence of Good Night, Moon has faded in the home, we'll probably watch Mad Men on DVD and remark about how times have-a-changed. This includes rude remarks directed towards Jews, blacks, women, and other non-Mad Men but also in that I would probably look quite handsome in red lipstick, pearls, and a full skirt while as a housewife.

Oh, how I look forward to April and imagine the possibility of faded memories of the difficult winter.

TV Confessions.

Confession #1: I text voted for Pamela Anderson and Buzz Aldrin for DWTS last night.  I didn't like Buzz, but did want to see more of the astronaut T shirts.  I also liked how Pam was a good actress, even though she probably forgets this should be a PG rated show.  I did not cry when Shannen went home!

Confession #2:  I think I will cry when LOST is over.  I have a difficult time conceptualizing our weeks without that show.  Before that show, we didn't watch night time TV. When the show is on vacation between seasons, we do a countdown.  We watched two seasons with friends at their home just to theorize about it and enjoy it together.  We usually make French Bread Pizza to celebrate the episode and eat it during.  LOST night was the one night that we turned off our phones and ignored requests for plans because we wanted to share it together.  So we'll only have seven more weeks of this!  I think I will cry when that end of an era comes (And I will cry if its sort of a disappointing ending and/or if they really are all dead and its only a dream or something).

Confession #3:  I had to turn off the TV tonight and go look at my peaceful baby because a show was creeping me out.  Apparently, I am afraid of lizards who wear human skin and have wide set eyes.  That Anna on V really creeps me out. 

Playing With Kids and Their Moms at a Park

Day at Lions-Stevens Park

A Little Less Sleep.

I know that six months ago, I'd call myself crazy for writing this.  I would count myself blessed to even be able to function as a semi-rested adult.

But I will whine make note of it anyway.

I've been getting less sleep this last week or so.  My baby started waking up again in the night.  Its a huge bummer to drag myself out of bed at midnight when I've already seen him at 10:45 PM and anticipate seeing him around 3 AM (and perhaps 5 AM), too.

I know that most of our reunions are joyful and pleasant.  It just seems like neither one of us is in the mood to be awake during the night and that we are longing for circadian rhythms to come back from vacation.  Because I think they are on spring break and called in some temps named Snotty Nose and High Fever as their substitutes!

Another observation I want to make is that my bed is SO COMFORTABLE.  I don't think I have ever appreciated the plushness and high thread count-ness as much as on weary mornings.  I also appreciate not having a clock-in time of  7 AM so I can enjoy the loveliness that is ma chambre each morning!

My Movie Monday

My friend Chrissy is doing this blog carnival, and I thought I would upload the first video I found on my hard drive just to see what it is.   Its a movie of my son watching an early October DWTS and making funny noises.

I am pretty bad about organizing videos on our computer and on back up DVDs. My husband has some system, but I am not privy to it.  If anyone has tips for this, I'm all ears!

Career Choices and Shoulding vs. Coulding and Cute Baby Photos

It was much harder for me to not accept a job contract as a teacher last year than it is for me to make choices about the next school year this year.

I haven't applied for any public school teacher positions.  I haven't attended any job fairs.  I have half-heartedly looked into renewing  my non-lifetime teacher's certificate and checked to make sure I am eligible for rehiring with the local district.

He really likes to play with wheels.  This stroller can keep him entertained for about an hour!

I think this means I have decided not to return to a full time job next semester.  I mean, if I really wanted to, I would be having interviews this spring, right?  I am a high achiever.  I think this means I am just not interested in selling myself to a principal for a job that looks better on paper than it feels for me.

Nice idea, Uncle Wes.

We need to have at least a 1.25 income, and can swing not having a 2 income budget.  Cutting back on non essentials is really rough.  I really dislike and feel grumpy about and pout about having such a tight budget.  I haven't actually kept a budget in 2010.  We've been about $200 over budget each month.  So, this means I need a job that takes care of my need to spend/give/enjoy a little beyond our current means.

I will be teaching ESL at the University for a special program in July. 

I am more than considering applying for an online tutoring position in the mean time.  My friend Chrissy suggested it, and we both know a few people who do this for their at home job. My husband is super enthusiastic about it, but I feel a bit lackluster about that job.  I would tutor Biology, ESL, or writing for an online academic program.  It isn't great money.  I feel pretty convinced my time is worth more than I would be compensated, but the fact that I can work at home or in coffee shops with WiFi or the like is pretty wonderful.  I feel like it would not be an authentic teaching experience for me, however.  I would never meet my students or have what I feel are meaningful teacher-pupil interactions.  I guess that is okay.  Its okay for now, anyway.

He licks instead of kisses.  We'll need to work on this after he reaches puberty, I am sure.

I've also been approached to teach elementary science at a local parochial school next year.  This would mean three days (probably six hours a day) a week.  I would have real live students.  I would gain a foothold in the school and perhaps get to teach other subjects that I like, including health and writing.  Again, the compensation is really nothing like my peers with the same resume and qualifications I have are making.  However, the trade off is that it is part time. 

Affection.

And part time means I get to go to the park with a friend and our kids on sunny afternoons.  It means I am not super stressed out all the time and don't resort to poor eating disordered patterns of living.  It means that I can do things for myself like read and do yoga and appreciate the sunsets.

 Laundry time takes on a new meaning with a crawler.

I didn't realize that the trade offs would be this significant.  I trade a lot of camaraderie of adult coworkers for reading "The Napping House" yet another time in a row.  I am trading an awesome resume and the chance to do action research and publish my findings and become an expert in science education for the chance to figure out how it is that I can manage a house and hold together a family and make memories.

I feel like I "should" instantly know to choose family and the home first.  Its something that "should" be super easy and not cause me lots of deliberation.  However, "shoulds" never really get me far in life.  I mean, "I should obsess about my weight and body size more" really wrecked my interpersonal relationships for about a decade.  And "I should wait until I am at least 28 before I get married and then another 5 years before considering a baby" - thank goodness I didn't follow that "shoulding" or I'd be out six years of memories.  I have so many "I shoulds" working in my life.

Fun with other baby friends.

I would much rather trade the word "should" for "could".  It helps me to cast out doubts and call into mind endless possibilities. 

Balancing on one leg!

 I could spend my mornings on the trail running with the baby in his stroller.
 I could volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center or with disadvantaged preschoolers.
 I could spend time baking lots of cookies and goodies for friends and family.
 I could work in the evenings after my family goes to bed.
 I could try this career move out for awhile and see how it goes.
 I could always go back to being a full time teacher in a few years.
 I could try to get pregnant again and have a more relaxed gestation time at home and doing things on my schedule.

I feel as if I am really evolving as a person.  I hope that I am just aging in my philosophy of life and living, but not getting physically older (or old).

 

Movie Review: Fireproof (and Confession:I Didn't Finish Love Dare"

Somehow I missed this movie.  I vaguely remember people at church exclaiming how they liked it and how I must see it.  I think that it was released the around the time of my first miscarriage, and I was in no place for a movie about marriage or God or love or whatever.

We rented it last weekend and watched it Friday night.  Husby's first comment set the tone for the movie.

"Um.... is this a low budget film?"

Sheesh.  Now the purpose and the message of the movie were marred by the fairly terrible acting and the limited props/wardrobe/set.

"It looks like a Rent-a-Car commercial."
"That actress looked like she practiced and practiced that line!"
"What's wrong with their house? It looks like a model home."
And on and on.

I hate that we are so cynical.  I mean, even those Nicholas Sparks movies we love to hate at least had some pretty Southern scenery!

It was hard to properly evaluate the message of the movie, but I feel we did have some good discussions about marriage afterwards.

One discussion is about the Love Dare.  I actually own this book.  I bought it after a particularly ugly fight last year and vowed to do my part to make our marriage a happier place to be.  I did not tell my husband I bought it.  I did not tell him I was doing it.

Luckily.

Because I got so discouraged around day four or five.  I felt as if I were giving and giving and showing love more than I was receiving.  My fragile wife-self esteem was even more fragile.

I read a few reviews of this book online to see if I was the only one who was having a hard time loving this pop-culture Chrisian phenomenon.  I wasn't.  Other people felt unloved, too.

I stopped doing the book and just went back to having up front conversations about affection and expectations and love with my husband.  The book went back onto the shelf.

After watching this movie, I confessed to him that I was a Love Dare Failure.  He said he still loved me and that he thought we should do it together.   (I'm not sure that is how it was intended to be done.)

This challenged me to committ more time and energy into cultivating love in our relationship.  I ordered Milan and Kay Yerkovitch's book  How We Love and look forward to completing this study in hopes it will challenge and strengthen my ability to show love and accept love.

Birthday Eights and Birthday Forgetfullness

Yesterday, March 27, was a birth anniversary for both of my guys.

My husband celebrated his twenty eighth anniversary of his birth.
My son celebrated the eighth month anniversary of his birth.


I used to forget my husband's birthdate each year.

I think this is because his mom told me she expected him on St. Patrick's Day, and therefore, named him Patrick as a middle name. This caused me so much mental confusion. For our first years together, I hesitated on giving him his gifts each day because I wasn't sure when his birthday was! Especially those years in college when it was during Spring Break and I wasn't sure of the day of the week for all of the relaxation that was happening.

For the past three years, I have had it programmed in my phone with daily countdown reminders.
This year, its eaiser to remember 27 because the baby is a 27 baby, too!

Phew.

For the record, He has never forgotten my birthday.
I think my bday is easier to remember. 9/9. Pluls, we'd been dating nine months at the time of my 21st birthday, whereas we'd only been dating 3 months at the time of his first birthday celebration!

A Few More Wedding Photos: At Our Reception...

One side of the table. I didn't want to have a head table that seemed far removed from the rest of the party, so the bridal party and parents sat at a long table in the middle of the room.  Our guests were on either side.  It made for great conversation!

And the other side.  Notice the name tags?  Yep, I made them!

And here is the delicious wedding cake. It had our monogram on it and I was very specific about what I wanted it to look and taste like.  I only wish we had ordered a bigger cake so we could have taken home two layers for left overs.  It was SO good.

We gave delicately gave each other enormous bites of cake.  Sadly, it was the most cake I got to eat that night.  I loved the raspberry filling!

And here is a bridsmaid's bouquet.  Most flat surfaces held similar rose arrangements.  We made them all the morning of the event! It was a fun activity for us to do.

The dance area was actually in the pool room.  Looking back, it seems a little cheesy and simple, but it looked nice with the lighting.  We had hundreds of little tea light candles surrounding the pool and on ledges. This is about half of our guests watching us do our first dance.

This is an odd photo.  But I like it out of focus.

This is the first time I ever danced with my father.  It actually might be the first time he ever danced.  He was very hesitant about this and quite nervous.   I got to lead!

My mother in law wasn't nervous at all.  She loves to dance! She looked so proud of her son that night.

These little girls look bored by the dancing.  They wanted to get on to the fireworks! 

I loved dancing with my husband.  We had gone to a lot of weddings around the time of our wedding, but no other dance party was quite so special or lovely.  We were formally dressed and had just vowed to forever be together.  Our song is "Me and You", and we really could not have loved each other more than moment.

How Am I Doing With Motherhood? Post 3

Some really nice friends asked me how I was doing with "the whole mothering thing" a few weeks into the big adventure. 

So I wrote about it.  And then wrote about it again.

Now I am more than seven months into the big adventure.  I think I am doing okay.

I am getting used to a personal waking up and sleeping schedule that I do not determine.  I don't necessarily prefer this, but it is sort of cool that DHH's gurgley giggles come through the infant monitor in the mornings to wake me up.  Usually he says, "Mam mam amamamamamamamama" .  Note: He has NEVER said "Dad dad dadadadadadadaaaaaaaaaaaaa".

I am getting used to people asking how I am but really only wanting to here how my son is doing.  This is a hard one for me.  Its a real ego-buster.  We get a lot of visitors these days, and I am pretty sure that that charmer has something more to do with it than my hospitality skills.  Our relatives rarely visited us before.  Now we have several visits each month.  Here to visit with me?  I doubt it!

I am becoming confident methods required to soothe and stimulate the baby.  I know it sounds cocky, but I am kind of the expert on this baby. I sometimes have to stop by self and remind myself that I am not the expert in ALL BABIES.  Just this one.  But its kind of hard.  Because what we are doing is working so well!  I feel like I did so much research and reading and asking advice of others and in the trenches practice to figure this whole mothering a baby thing out.  With so much hard work and time and effort, it just seems that there should be some transfer to other babies, right?

For example, I am pretty confident and informed in a few areas (of which a year ago were unfamiliar areas) of parenting.  Namely, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, making baby food, and establishing predictable routines.  I think I could have lengthy conversations about each of those topics on command.  Heck, I could address a large crowd of people and inform them about the benefits of each thing.  Share tips.  Give unsolicited advice. 

However, those topics are sort of boring.  More than sort of - they are applicable and interesting to only a small segment of the population.  So I refrain from using those four topics as casual dinner conversation.  That is, unless someone else brings it up first.  And in those cases, the people who inquire are either mamas too or just very nice friends who patronize my interests.

I think I am coming to terms with being without a way to reach lofty career goals.  I still feel lonely for colleagues and professional conversation.  I miss being around kids and the energy that is in schools.  I miss reading academic journals and conducting informal action research in my classes to maximize student on-task behaviors and spark curiosity.  I miss it.  I am quite proud to be a professional educator. Which is why I will not pretend I don't miss it.

I am feeling more and more comfortable with the self-awareness of myself as a not working mom.  I think I would not be as good of a mother or wife or friend or human if I were keeping the same hours as I did last year.  I don't know when I would have time to think.  Limited sleep really messes with my ability to form coherent thoughts and complete sentences.  I would be stretched too thin and and stressed.  I cope with anxiety in unhealthy ways that have to do with food and restricting food and I really cannot cope with those things and cope with parenthood.  So for me to be a healthier person and a better mom, I cannot work all day 5 days a week.

I enjoyed my six week part time job as an ESL instructor at the University, and I look forward to reprising that role this summer.  I am also in the exploratory phase of taking a job as an elementary science teacher at a private, parochial school here in town.  It would also be part time. 

Another aspect of motherhood that I am discovering is how exactly I want to mother my child.  I don't want to smother.  I don't want to be hands-off.  I am developing my parenting philosophy right now.

So far, I know that I want my child to have logical and consist ant consequences for inappropriate behavior.  I am still determining what it is I think constitutes inappropriate behavior for a young child.  It is easier for me to know what inappropriate is for school-aged children.  However, I know that school-aged children were once too young for school but old enough for rules and behavioral expectations.

Above all, I don't want to be an accidental parent.  I want to think of the consequences of the decisions I make and know what my long term goals are so that I can make strides towards them everyday.  Accidental parenting is really just lazy parenting or uninformed parenting.  I don't want to be lazy or unprepared for this daunting job.

I want my child to be a blessing not just to me, but also to others who come into contact with him.  This means I am responsible for guiding his choices and teaching him how to be appropriate and lovely.
I am reading and discussing this topic with other mothers and I am sure I will revisit it in the future.

To be honest, I am still working on co-parenting.  It is very challenging for me to switch into co-parent mode at 3:45 PM when my husband arrives home from work. I have been in single parent mode all day, since any early morning feedings that happened after Husby went to bed the night before.  Its been all me making all the decision and doing all the hard work.  Some time it is hard for me to let go of that power and responsibility.  Sometimes it is not hard at all - I welcome the  freedom from that and dash off into some alone time.  Other times, I notice that I do not empower my husband t make decisions for the baby and make all the choices he defers to me.  Co-parenting is much trickier than single parenting or even parenting half the time.  Making decisions as a team and knowing what our expectations for the night and our long term goals are is really tough!. 

So, back to the original question then.  How am I doing with motherhood?

Its treating me pretty well. 

I am trying really hard. 

I am reaping the rewards for hard work and patience. 

I am working harder than I thought. 
I am happier than I thought.

Confession: I Have the Gingivitis.

So I went to the dentist today for my six month check up.  The dental assistant asked if I had any major changes in my health or lifestyle since I visited in September (probably asking if I am now pregnant or if we've stopped with the breastfeeding... or is she wondering if I have cancer or diabetes? Not sure).

 I told her that the only change is that I stopped flossing.  I had only flossed a handful of times since the last visit.  She looked a little shocked since ordinarily I have very good oral hygiene. 

I owned my failure to floss.

And I paid for it in the chair.  Or rather, my sensitive, inflamed gums paid for it.

Gingivitis is the inflammation and infection of the gum tissue.  Apparently, three-quarters of all Americans have this, so its not like a huge taboo like STDs or something.  But gingivitis sounds as scary to me as chlamydia or similar conditions! 

My directions are to floss everyday, do an oral antiseptic rinse in the morning and night, along with three brushings a day.  She told me to take an ibuprofen and do a salt water rinse for the pain as a short term solution. 

I have only had one cavity, ever.  Having gingivitis is so gross and makes me feel like I have poor oral hygiene overall.

Boo.

 

Dancing With the Stars, Season 10, Week 1

I admit that my BFF  and I planned her trip up to visit me around a television event.  A reality TV event, even.

We are addicts.

DWTS is our crack. 
DWTS is our chocolate.  Or, maybe chocolate is our crack I am not sure how the drug reference should go.

Anyway, I don't joke when I say that we paid close attention to the season premiere.  We sent the husband to tend to the baby.  We had our snacks ready. We had already discussed how to format our brackets for this season.  Then we sat down with clipboards and took copious notes.

Here is a transcript of our notes

Hello, Tom Bergeron! Why aren't you witty tonight!

Brooke Burke?  WTH?  You are such a Samantha Harris look alike, and I didn't even realize it when you were on stage with her two years ago.  Maybe its because she rocked the one strap dress and you never did. Oh, well.  At least they didn't give the co-host to Cloris Leachman. And your energy level is a little lower.  Samantha gushed a bit more.  Work on your gushing, Brooke, not just your flirting with Derek!

Woah, new set! New font! I think it looks a bit cheesier.  I know its always cheesy. But cheesier.

We miss our friends! Where is Lacey Schwimmer? We love her moves. No Karina S? Wait, she broke up with Maks and we are stuck with him? Bummer! No Kym? Why didn't they pay her the more money? What about the new blonde Anna? She was fun! Gosh.  We even miss Corky. Bring back Corky!

Chad 85. We really liked you.  I think Cheryl really likes you, too.  I guess the judges thought you'd be more Emmett Smith-like, based on your resume. You only got an 18! You did have the best hip action of all the stars, so you've got that.

Shannen D. Shannen with an E? Interesting.  Since we are too young for 90210 and too old for New 90210, I have really no personal stake in your performance. Sorry.  The judges didn't really like you too much.  Luckily you got Mark Ballas!  I think you'll prob. do the same as his last partner, Clarissa. Our notes from your dance? "Crier.  Primate Arms". 

Erin Andrews. Another 18!  I read that she had been on the FSU dance team, and figured she would be as good as Melissa Rycroft.  Notsomuch.  I was really distracted by her LONG legs! I think the judges like you even though your score is kind of low.  Our notes: "Legs! She is tall. Weird clothes".

Jake - Vienna and Gia are here to watch! Lucky them! I would so love a third row seat to the show!  Our notes "Thumbs down on the Kiss from a Rose song and the insane amount of roses and rose petals presents.  Enough with the roses. Enough with the drama.  Bad frame. You look too giddy for this." 

Niecy Nash - I had never heard of her.  I like her name a lot!!  She is the classic minor celebrity.  Our notes "Sassy. Confident. Lots of cheering for her.  Why did she eat a cheeseburger in the promo?"

Buzz Aldrin - Would I do this as an 80 year old? Husby's Gma is a German dancer at 83 and performs locally. Maybe.  Our notes "How to criticize a hero? How not to patronize? Seems like he forgot his steps.  His wife is funny."

Nicole S. Really challenging last name to spell. Gets Derek Hough, which is a GREAT advantage!  What do the Pussycat Dolls sing again? "how about no more hand-hankies, Nicole, okay? She was really good and really dramatic.  Did she just say chest bumps and booty drops? Is Bruno going to always do chest bumps now?" Oh yeah, she got a 25!!

Aiden - Who is this guy? Oh yeah, another soap star.  Our notes: "Edyta!!! Was he even good? We have no idea. She is so distracting so we don't know if he even did any dancing". He only got a 15! Maybe that is why Edyta wore the really distracting "one breeze away from an FCA fine" dress.

Evan L. Another tricky last name to spell, much like the professional dancers with their tricky names!  He got a 23. He is Ann's favorite guy, I think.   Our notes: "Wing Span! No Yamaguchi."

Kate Gosselin  - Her dance was saved til the end! I didn't think she was that much of a minor celebrity to save her til the end with Pam Anderson.  She sparked lots of marriage/baby/family/personality/bossy conversations between us though.  Our notes: "Trying to change her image to fairy princess? Hesitant. Plastic surgery? Judges say she looked like Tony's shopping card - agree."  She got a 16! Bad sign.  We enjoy Tony a lot.  I bet Tony is a really good dad and feels weird being in their house.

Pamela Anderson - The final dancer.  With some new guy.  Everyone seems surprised by her performance - 21.  Our notes "Fun! Sex, sex, sex.  And is she drunk?".

As you can see from those copious notes, Ann and I had such a fun time analyzing the show.  It was two hours of giggles and catty comments from us!  Its fun to have something so frivolous to occupy our minds (Instead of mothering and pregnancy and infant loss and career decisions and quarterlife crisis stuff).

We didn't vote via text this night... we were too distracted making our brackets for the season!  Note: We are treating this like March Madness with the brackets. We have done it two times before, and its been fun!  I will share our brackets and write about our other fun coversation  of "Who will be on DWTS next season?". Another time.

For now, its been a bit too much gossip and naptime is almost over!

Goodbye, Ann and Hello, Again (Me!)

For the past several days, my great friend Ann spent time in my home visiting me.  She came to Missouri just to visit ME.  This makes me feel super special.

Okay, she wanted to visit this kid, too.

We both needed a great girl talk visit.  Wait, I better scratch that. It wasn't girl talk.  It was woman-talk.  The both of us have experienced challenges that are life altering and incredibly challenging to us as people.  We

have aged and matured. 

Loosing babies and experiencing prolonged emotional discomfort will do that to you.  It makes you mature.  I hope it makes me wiser, too.

So as she pulled away from my driveway this morning, I realized that usually I cry at emotional farewells and that is because I often feel that my visit is too short and that is unsatisfying.  However, I did not cry on this visit. I felt so blessed that it even happened! We are so lucky to have husbands who respect our friendship (and fund our time off to be together!) and who are flexible enough to share us for so long a time. 

I also feel fortunate to have a friend that loves me who is not related to me and who is not a friend by convenience.  It is one thing to be friends with your relatives who are default friends and another thing to have a friend closer than a brother who has to choose to be your friend.  Also, having a friend who has to travel hours to see you, rather than an acquaintance who lives across town that you do things because you can.

After her extended stay and our hours of processing our grief and ideas about goals and pregnancy and life, I feel so refreshed.  I had been in my head so much the last few months.  I didn't want to overload my husband or my blog with thoughts that really belong in a therapy session or in a face to face encounter with a friend.

I also got my hair cut, which makes me feel refreshed.  She got hers cut first, then I colored it, and then I realized I wanted to do the same.

Here is the cut, totally unstylled today and I still like it!

I feel so renewed and so much more at peace after her visit. It seems silly that I feel like I had a vacation, because really I had more work to do with all the company, but I feel more relaxed.  I think it was because I got to be my old-self from when we started to be friends and also my emerging-self who is a mom and who is learning to cope with the death of her twins and with adulthood.