Five Questions (and Responses) for This Friday

I never do these copy and paste questions, but I need to write today, and I think this is a great story starter. So I linked up.

From Mama M.  (By Mama H.)




1. If you could, would you go back to high school?
Are you kidding me?  You couldn't pay me to go back.  Not unless I got to go back to someone else's high school life, not mine!  

 I spent high school as a lonely, restless, and preoccupied thin girl who thought she was fat.  I was involved in everything and had so many acquaintances.  I didn't have one amazing talent, however, that let me stand apart from the crowd.  I also didn't have a best friend or really many friends that were trust worthy.  I worked often at my family's steakhouse, which was fodder for an eating disorder. I tried so hard to please my parents and teachers, and though I did get over a 4.0, I wasn't valedictorian, and so I thought I had failed.  Girls were terrible at my school.  I felt abandoned by a very close friend, and the rest of the girl friends followed.  I didn't have a boyfriend, so I felt like a massive failure at that, too.  When I did have a boyfriend the end of my senior year, it got too serious too quickly because I craved love and acceptance.  This set me up to be a relationship addict and to find self worth in the opinion of a boyfriend.  I didn't do team sports because I was not confident enough to audition for one. Instead, I started running alone.  People thought I liked it, but actually it was part of my eating disorder and a way to disconnect from others. 

I wish I would have realized that God had bigger plans for me than high school, because I would have found comfort in that.

I did enjoy being in student leadership and attending MASC camps, where I met authentic and inspiring people who got me.  I did enjoy being a part of drum line, especially as an upperclassman.   I enjoyed the feeling of freedom and acceptance when I arrived at college as a freshman, and I wouldn't have had this appreciation if I'd have had a lovely and ideal high school life.  I also have the highest quality of best friends, and I wouldn't have them if I'd clung to those untrustworthy or sub par high school "friends".  I wouldn't know what it was like to be a big fish in a little pond, or to be a rising star in a field of content oak trees.  My high school experience made me an excellent high school teacher to a certain group of less-pretty people, which is a really good thing, and helped me to make a difference in three girls' lives, and that is pretty awesome.



2. If a genie appeared and granted you two wishes, what would they be? (And, no saying "more wishes".)

My first wish would be to know God's plan for my life.  I am learning that His will for me is to be a healthy and loving wife, mother, friend, daughter, and a woman of high worth.  His will is for me to serve God by showing others love.  I do not know his plans, however.  Why did I attend so much college and grad school if I am not using those skills as a SAHM?  Why do I have so much creative energy, but no real outlet?  How can I be the best mother and show my children a better path than the one I traveled?  When will I start working and making money again? Will I be able to carry more babies to term? What will I do with this extensive knowledge of eating disorders and ways to beat them and how can I help?

My other wish is to be independently wealthy.  This might mean I am an heir, a published and acclaimed author, or an inventor of a fabulous thing.  This means my husband could quit worrying about that pesky student loan I carry and we could start going out to eat dinner as often as I wish again!  And we'd be able to take an Alaskan cruise or do another fabulous activity to commemorate our fifth year of marriage.  Right now, Husby is too keyed up about our lack of disposable income for a proper celebration.


3. What kids show do you secretly like?

Its no secret.  I love Arthur and Friends. A long time ago my brother in law and I bonded over this, because he watched it every morning before (high) school.


4. What is your beverage of choice?

I choose a To Go Cup as my beverage of choice.  In it, I'd like Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, or Sweet Tea.  But I'd like a straw and the ability to take it anywhere!



5. What is something that you would change about yourself (or are working to change in yourself)?

I am working to change my all-or-nothing thinking patterns. I often get discouraged when I fail to complete a small task, because I feel as if my entire day is ruined.  If I respond to the baby in a way I don't think maximizes his parenting experience, I feel like a Bad Mom.  Really, I am just a Novice Parent.   Not running one day doesn't mean that I failed as a runner and that I cannot run the next day (except right now, that though is pervasive).  Having a quarrel or difference of opinion with my husband does not mean he will be angry with me forever or that I am not worthy of his love.  These are types of thinking patterns are tough to break!

And here is a cute photo for your viewing pleasure:

9 Months Old!

 

Father and Baby

I love this photo of my husband and son. It might be one of my all time favs.

Me as a Parent

"Parents in the early half of the twentieth century were primarily concerned with the development of character in their children...However, parents today are more likely to say their primary wish for their children is that they be happy."

Quote by Paula Polk Lillard and Lynn Lillard Jessen, authors of Montessori From The Start



I am curious about what is most important for me in terms of my hopes for my son.  I want most for him to be a man of honor, to be loyal, to be creative, to be curious, and to be helpful to others.  I would like him to be happy...  but I know I've not always been happy in all situations and had to adapt.  I am okay with him experiences a wide range of emotions. 

The next time I hear a parent say that all he wants is for his child to be happy, I will perk my ears and study closely. I will see if this parent is giving too many choices, too many things, and too little guidance to his child. I will see if the child seems spoiled or unappreciative.  I will see if the child is fulfilling his dad's wish and is quite happy.

Mom and Baby

This photo was taken today and it might just be my favorite shot of me and my son.



It was a great afternoon.

To Do List

I'm thinking it will be helpful for me to write this down to get rid of the mind clutter I'm experiencing.

• Diaper laundry - test out the new Hard Rock Detergent and then hang them on the line
• Complete baby food making - need more green veggies, need to label and store the steak meal I made for him last night
• Inventory baby food, make sure I've got enough fruits for the next two weeks
• Call pediatric dermatologist for a lesion on baby's ribcage
• Vacuum and have the house look super awesome for our Parents as Teachers Visit so as to mislead the educator into thinking I am an excellent house keeper
• Pilates
• Shower
• Thaw and prep meat for grilling, prep sweet potatoes for grilling
• Make inspirational CDs for friends Laura and Ann, get ready to mail
• Watch last three episodes of Glee online
• Decide if I want to blog about Dancing with the Stars or not
• Do 15 push ups
• Take a walk at Stephens Lake Park
• Complete Mentor Connect application
• Make grocery shopping list

And here is a cute baby photo.

His head size is in the 92nd percentile.  This toddler cap might not last long!

Pregnancy Through Rose Colored Glasses

So yesterday I came upon a VERY pregnant lady and had a conversation with her about her impending due date and family.

Actually, it was a scheduled appointment, not a totally random encounter.  She bought four cloth diapers from me and I met her at her place of business. 

But its true that she was enormous.

As she patted her belly, I envied her a little bit.  It was nice to have a purpose for patting one's belly.  Its odd to do if there isn't a human inside of there.  She looks very peaceful and content, too.  I felt a little jealous.

It took me until today to remember how I really did not enjoy being pregnant.  I forgot about the 8.5 months of nausea and vomming.  The fact that I didn't have a cute basketball tummy out front.  That I was so tired, crabby, and not in the mood for anything fun.  Only eating Pop Ice for the last month.  BLECH.  What a rough time!

Whenever I consider getting pregnant, I pull out the rose colored glasses and remember the good things - excitement about meeting our child, conversations with kind and lovely medical professionals, shopping for new clothes, and the feeling of "specialness" like I'd never experienced.

Those thoughts are much more convincing than the BLECH memories!

Yes, you were worth it little babe.  However, I am much happier with you out in the world and superior health than with those ten months of torture!

First Tornado Scare of the Spring

I realize I've been lackidasical with my posting this month.  I know I'll regret it because when I look back at this little online journal one day, I will wonder just what I was up to, having no record of the events.

I've been up to some things. 

Here's one:

Taking cover from a tornado on the campus of Missouri Science and Technology.  My sister goes there as a chemical engineer.  Ha! Just kidding. She is the catering director.  She would probably go crazy from boredom if she were a ChemE.

When I visit with my mom, we inevitably run errands in the nearby town of Rolla.  I think this is a good way to get to have lunch out!  This time, the loveliness that is Panera.  Anyway, we were set to go to a home store to purchase plants for her garden.  It had been storming all day, but there was a break in the cloud cover and rainfall, so we hauled the baby into the garden section and selected a wide variety of greens.  We packed them in the car, got our Panera take out, and headed off to visit my Very Busy Sister.

She was very busy with directing staff for a campus event,. but carved out time to show off her nephew to her colleagues, who dote on him and make him laugh.  She also uses her boss-power to score us food items. This time, a Mountain Dew and some DDP. 

When she came hack into the office from her Pop Quest, she told us that the sirens were going off and that there was a tornado touching down in the next town, and it was moving our direction.  Which meant we had to go into the basement to take shelter.

She evacuated her staff from the kitchen and was busy contacting others as she she shuttled us down the stairs into a VERY CROWDED storage area.  High school students with parents, fraternities looking for recruits, financial aid officers, and the student union employees were stuck down there with us for over an hour.

I totally panic during these tornado occasions.  I don't think too clearly, and I tend to shut out a lot of details.  I think its because of the tornado I narrowly escaped when driving my old Camry back in high school.  That was a traumatizing event.  It may also be because I had to warn and supervise a few hundred college freshman in Graham Hall during a busy tornado week that also coincided with finals week.  That was a rough week, too.

So I was very glad to have my Napa Almond Chicken Salad and Greek Salad and Sourdough Baguette to occupy my time and energy during that noisy and claustrophobic hour.

My sister, mom, and my sister's office mate Mike entertained the baby with singing, laughing, and an iPhone video.

I suppose it won't be the last Take Cover - Tornado! of the spring.

The worst thing is for our local weather lady to interrupt perfectly good reality TV to warn us about a tornado spotting.  Even if it is counties away, I freak out and can't enjoy the program.  Oh, actually worse is when Sharon Ray interrupts LOST.  I so hope that doesn't happen with only one month left of our favorite show.

So, what's up with you? Doing well, handful of readers who subscribe to this blog or check it out?

Good grief, baby.

Playing in the toilet water?  You've got to be kidding me.
And no, I did not snap a picture.  I didn't want to remember that bad (though curious) behavior.

Affirming Words...

A friend sent this to me.  She found it online, but there is no link to who wrote it.  I guess it is a wise person who will live in anonymity. (I wrote my thoughts in green after the original words.)

Eating disorders can often be the tool people use to avoid or protect against the negative. A coping mechanism.  Bingeing and purging or restricting food can create the illusion of protection and comfort from pain, loss and blame. A comfortable, new normal. Thinness can be seen as a shield or even as measure of a successful life where pleasure and praise abound. I totally feel this way!  I identify overweight with being lazy or a failure. But it is just an illusory and elusive idea. Healing does not mean finding a way to live a life without strife. It means learning how to tolerate, accept and utilize all of our circumstances. Ooh, this is good! . It is not what our life looks like but rather what our outlook is like.And how we cope with that outlook.  Maya Angelou says it this way – If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.



People often hope that healing from their eating disorder will mean that their families get healthier, their job is easier and life is less of a struggle. But unfortunately, this is rarely the case. Its because eating disorders were exacerbated by these problems and the eating disorder was a way to cope with all the negative or powerful emotions.    Families sometimes don’t change and people sometimes have to remain in circumstances that are less than ideal. This doesn’t mean that healing is hopeless or that recovery is worthless. It is learning how to be healthy in the midst of malady and peaceful in the midst of chaos. ED is a way to shut out these circumstances and ignore them.Approaching our circumstances from a mindset of openness and ability is what will move us forward into goodness and light. We have the power to name our experience. We can bottom line it as good or bad. The choice is ours.

Letting go of an eating disorder can be scary. It can feel like letting go of a life raft in the middle of a storm.  I've got to learn a new coping skill! I LOVE this.  But we have the choice to look at the waves as overwhelming or to see them as a ride to safer shores. I hadn't realized I live in fear of powerful, strong emotions and unpleasant circumstance.  We can acknowledge the role of pain, loss and blame, appreciating their value in teaching us how good the opposite can be. We can be thankful for the rain because without it there would be no rainbow.


Thank you for sending this to me, BBP!

I Didn't Do Anything Special For Earth Day.

When I taught science in schools, we'd do a shout out during the week of Earth Day, but usually I focused on Arbor Day. This year, my pupil wasn't too interested in Earth Day. I hope that this is the case for his life.

Yes! You read this correctly!

I hope he thinks Earth Day is no big deal because we recycle everyday. 
Because we compost. 
Because he knows we don't waste water or electricity. 
Because we buy used toys and play clothes and cars and books. 
Because we don't eat too many processed foods.
Because we keep a garden.
Because he plays outside everyday.
Because we teach him about storm water and runoff from pavement and erosion and waste water management.
Because he can identify species of plants.

You know, that kind of thing. 

I did dress him in a cloth diaper today and explain why I think its important for him to wear it instead of a paper diaper. I also dressed him in a shirt with the message:  keep my earth clean. 

 He wasn't in the mood to take a photo.  That is why he looks sad. 

Or maybe he is sad when he thinks about the oil being spilled in the Gulf of Mexico and wondering if it will affect his mother's favorite Gulf species... Apalachicola Oysters. 

Unusual Vegetable Challenge #1

HyVee had a lovely stand of artichokes, and I decided to purcahse one. It sits patiently on my counter, waiting for a perfect recipe.

I read up on the preparation of artichokes here, and plan to use this recipe to enjoy the heart.

Growing Up and Getting Big: The Proof Is In the Car Seat

When we bought the Chicco infant seat, I thought it seemed like a normal sized seat. Not huge or anything.

When we brought the baby home in it... I felt as if the seat was enormous.  We called it his Special Chair, and he enjoyed sitting and sleeping in it, for the most part.

Eight months later, I consider this seat super tiny.  It must have shrunk.  There is no way our baby could have grown THAT much!

And here is his new seat.  It is an Evenflow Triumph Advance DLX  Especially Large Big Boy Seat.  He's had it for a month, and its pretty cushy.

Once again, he looks tiny.  Is it possible that he will dwarf this enormous seat one day, too?

Confession: Didn't Do the Run Today.

I had a dozen perfect opportunities.
And a dozen perfect excuses.

Its the first day I have failed at the Couch to Five K plan.
Bummer. 
Sorry Ann. 

I did go on a one mile walk today with the baby in the pack on my back.  It was a little sweaty, but not all that bad.  I didn't count it as a workout.

Narcissism and Blogging

For some time, I have thought that blogging about one's life is rather narcissistic.  Its really easy for me to see those writers who love to discuss their life, who love others to discuss their life, and who love that a blog IS their life.

I've tried to not let that be me, but I do get it.  I am probably narcissistic, too.

A few years ago, my husband bought me a large package of flower bulbs for the garden.  They were called "paper whites", but I knew them by another name: Narcissus. 

"Oh my gosh - is this what you think of me? Ugh! What a horrible present! Why didn't you just get roses?" I shouted to my bewildered looking husband. 

He, of course, didn't know the story behind narcissus flowers, and just thought they were cute, little white flowers for the garden.  He was charming, of course, and told me that he thought I was as cute as those and wanted to see them each spring. 

I was put off by my rude behavior (and some what narcissistic behavior!) and banished the bulbs to the garage. 

Which is where I found them this year.

I planted them six weeks ago (and two years after they were a gift!).  Here they are:

Here are a few pieces of background information about Narcissus and the personality disorder.  I love Greek mythology, so its of interest to me.  I also would like you to read the quotation about narcissism and think about blogging and see if you see a connection.

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism" - Mayo Clinic

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In Greek mythology Echo was a wood nymph who loved a youth by the name of Narcissus. He was a beautiful creature loved by many but Narcissus loved no one. He enjoyed attention, praise and envy. In Narcissus' eyes nobody matched him and as such he considered none were worthy of him.

Echo's passion for Narcissus was equaled only by her passion for talking as she always had to have the last word. One day she enabled the escape of the goddess Juno's adulterous husband by engaging Juno in conversation. On finding out Echo's treachery Juno cursed Echo by removing her voice with the exception that she could only speak that which was spoken to her.
Echo often waited in the woods to see Narcissus hoping for a chance to be noticed. One day as she lingered in the bushes he heard her footsteps and called out “Who's here?” Echo replied “Here!” Narcissus called again "Come", Echo replied "Come!". Narcissus called once more “Why do you shun me?... Let us join one another.” Echo was overjoyed that Narcissus had asked her to join him. She longed to tell him who she was and of all the love she had for him in her heart but she could not speak. She ran towards him and threw herself upon him.
Narcissus became angry “Hands off! I would rather die than you should have me!” and threw Echo to the ground. Echo left the woods a ruin, her heart broken. Ashamed she ran away to live in the mountains yearning for a love that would never be returned. The grief killed her. Her body became one with the mountain stone. All that remained was her voice which replied in kind when others spoke.

Narcissus continued to attract many nymphs all of whom he briefly entertained before scorning and refusing them. The gods grew tired of his behaviour and cursed Narcissus. They wanted him to know what it felt like to love and never be loved. They made it so there was only one whom he would love, someone who was not real and could never love him back.
One day whilst out enjoying the sunshine Narcissus came upon a pool of water. As he gazed into it he caught a glimpse of what he thought was a beautiful water spirit. He did not recognise his own reflection and was immediately enamoured. Narcissus bent down his head to kiss the vision. As he did so the reflection mimicked his actions. Taking this as a sign of reciprocation Narcissus reached into the pool to draw the water spirit to him. The water displaced and the vision was gone. He panicked, where had his love gone? When the water became calm the water spirit returned. “Why, beautiful being, do you shun me? Surely my face is not one to repel you. The nymphs love me, and you yourself look not indifferent upon me. When I stretch forth my arms you do the same; and you smile upon me and answer my beckonings with the like.” Again he reached out and again his love disappeared. Frightened to touch the water Narcissus lay still by the pool gazing in to the eyes of his vision.

He cried in frustration. As he did so Echo also cried. He did not move, he did not eat or drink, he only suffered. As he pined he became gaunt loosing his beauty. The nymphs that loved him pleaded with him to come away from the pool. As they did so Echo also pleaded with him. He was transfixed; he wanted to stay there forever. Narcissus like Echo died with grief. His body disappeared and where his body once lay a flower grew in it's place. The nymphs mourned his death and as they mourned Echo also mourned.  BY THOMAS BULFINCH 

Thoughts On Being a Mom To Many...

Today I caught the last part of the Nadia Suleman interview on Oprah.  She's the woman with 14 children, most of whom seemed to be in diapers.  I wish I could give that over tired lady one of the naps I took this weekend!

I have a difficult time picturing a family so large, since I only have two sisters and the bulk of my family has two or three children.  My dad does have nine siblings, but I wasn't around those huge Douglas functions since we are the youngest members of the family.

So in the past when I have thought about having a large family, it was more like an idea than something I could visualize, 

So, enter scenario of watching  five small children under the age of three.  Three two year old girls, a 9 month old boy, and an 8 month old.  All I can say is this: Thank goodness for a pack'n'play and Cheerios! I was able to keep the boys who are active crawlers contained.  I had the girls do songs and dances for the little boys to keep their spirits up.  And it was Cheerios for everyone!

So, needless to say, I didn't pay attention to the first softball game of the season. Sorry, Hubs.  I won't do it next week, either, because I need a break from the baby sitting and some DWTS!

Recommended Reading: Food or Weight Issues

I have so many acquaintances who struggle with disordered eating.  Not all of them have eating disorders or anything.  Most just have issues with food.

• They judge food as good or bad, ex: "I was good today, only eating healthy foods to make up for those bad cookies yesterday."
• They think that weight loss or gain is an inst-o-matic thing, ex: "I have to diet and lose weight by Friday to wear that bathing suit" or "I must have gained five pounds from eating out on that trip!".
• They look at themselves in the mirror and think only hateful thoughts to themselves.
• They worry and stress needlessly about calories or nutritional content rather than enjoying the meal before them.
• They think that a call from  NBC's Biggest Loser is the answer to their prayers.

Here are some recommended readings for people who think this way, or for those who know those who think this way.  These are some of my favorite food and body issues books. Some have been beacons of hope for me, others have been a real life textbook to help me overcome fear of food.

I hope that after reading these books, a person thinks the following:

• Food is just food.  It is not inherently good or bad.  It is a thing and cannot be evil or perfect.
• Weight maintenance is a long term thing.  You cannot get fat overnight; likewise you cannot expect weight loss over night. 
• When they look in the mirror, their thoughts are not abusive.  The reflection does not determine one's self worth.
• Food is not consumed mindlessly or avoided.  Each fork full of food is tasted and enjoyed and is not part of some weight loss equation.
• The Biggest Loser is seen as a dangerous and unhelpful weight loss plan.

Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works. Tribole and Resch. 

Healing Waters, Rue and Arterburn

Honey, Does This Make My Butt Look Big? A Couple's Guide to Food and Body Talk. Hanich.

Life without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too. Schaefer

Don't Diet, Live It: Healing Food, Weight, and Body Issues by Wachter, and Marcus

I Think Its Safe To Say He Loves the Park

Which is good, because I can only think of a few better places to spend a Spring afternoon (sno-cone stand, Baja California, and garden wedding - but those aren't proper places for a baby!).

A Morning Hike

I almost forgot that I like hiking. 

Luckily I got a wild hare and decided to take both guys out to Rock Bridge Memorial State Park for a Saturday morning nature romp.  Here are the photos from our enjoyable date:

We noticed how much DHH's head circumference had expanded! This hat was a bit large for him at Christmas. It looked like a bonnet, but it did the job.

As soon as he got into the external frame backpack carrier, his face lit up.  He didn't say anything, but I am pretty sure he has never smiled that big.  Also, it was very bright outside, but without baby shades, he just had to squint.

It did my heart good to see him so happy!  What a better choice than to stay in and do laundry.

He was in a good mood and we hadn't even left the parking lot! 

We picked this little gem up at a yard sale in STJ last weekend for five bucks.  Its no Ergo, but I've got my $95 and a neon carrier.

I told him that his sunglasses were ridiculous, but that they matched the teal 90s carrier perfectly.

"That's how I roll," he said.  Then the baby pulled his hair.

He patted his dad's shoulder a lot.  I found it charming.

Notice the open mouth face.  For the first half our of our walk, this is how he looked.  Stunned. Surprised. And a little confused.

We came upon some people doing the cave tour.  We remembered it was something Husby always wanted to do, so we went to observe.

The baby was pretty interested in the clanging of the canoes being carried down into the cave entrance.

Of course, he'd never seen a cave or a canoe!

If we ever do this, I vote to carry the paddles, not the boat on my head.

I offered to carry the baby, but I felt relieved that I didn't have to carry him back up the rock outcroppings.

 Instead I got to walk alongside the baby and watch his face display his emotions. 

 Unfortunately for everyone seeking solace in nature, the baby decided to sing a song about hiking.  It went a little like this: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, maaaaaaaaaaaa, eeeeeeAHaaaaaaaaaaaa".  It was less melodic than you might think, coming from a baby who loves to listen to show tunes and 80s pop.

He got pretty sleepy on the way to another trail.  We kept on walking so he could get a brief nap.  It was nice to be alone.

 

 

It was really sweet.

 As we walked around, Husby and I identified different flowering plant species, observed erosion and stream flow, and talked about other nerdy science stuff.  We also stumbled upon some orienteering markers that made us remember when I taught 8th grade science and took my happy hooligans into the woods with compasses and maps.   We chuckled about that one.

I took some great nature shots that I will share with you on another day.

After our hike, two of the three Haids napped, while the other watched episodes of season two LOST, folded laundry, and talked to her mom on the phone.