I don't think its the best idea, but its the thing I think will give me more peace and more control in my days.
Its just too hard to keep dwelling on the fact that I only have two children, when I have been pregnant five times.
Its too hard to be raw with emotion about my loss and keep saying his name and thinking about what has changed in my body and in my heart in the last six weeks.
It will be much easier to just compartmentalize this pain and move on.
Or I think it will be.
I did this with my first miscarriage, and now I hardly think of her name and if I do, all the memories of that time flood back and overwhelm me.
I am so tired of being sad and tired of the symptoms that depression gives me, which are sleeplessness, at night fatigue in the day, irritability, over sensitivity, and physical pain from feeling hunched up all the time.
I edited photos that I took on April 20 today, which was the day that we buried him.
It was emotionally taxing, and I feel good and drained in regards to my ability to cope with miscarriage and grief work.
I can feel myself - my mind or my heart, I don't know which - having this battle about tying up lose ends and doing healing vs. putting a bandaid over a gaping wound so I don't have to look at it and do all the work.