Pregnancy Loss: Two Weeks Out (and post update)

Today was two weeks since I last hoped for a healthy pregnancy.
Blech and blah on milestones like this.

So its been two weeks of sad over Samuel and little glimmers of happy hope and heaven.

Today I threw out all the flowers that had long since died but kept out because I loved having people care enough to send them to me them so I wanted to see them, even shriveled.

Today I put away all nursing apparel and maternity clothes.  That was a big bummer.  I hate sorting clothes anyway, and I feel like I had just done it so recently.  Plus, it means sorting through what pants and shorts fit and don't, now that I've spent two weeks in comfort food (butternut squash risotto and Dove ice cream bars and red wine).

I've read four grief work, miscarriage specific, or theology books that pertain to the death of a child/death of a dream of a child.  I might summarize them on this blog, because they are darn good.

Dan and I have reconnected and are super-on each other's team.
We share the fear of an immediate pregnancy because another loss so soon seems like a logical and realistic fear.  I am glad he is in the same place as me on this.

I haven't looked at the photos I took the week of Samuel's birth, and that m, akes sense that I want to avoid seeing the few photos I took of the cemetery and whatnot, but I should go and look at Elsie's birthday photos, too.

Last week I got a card in the mail from a relative of my husband's.  It was such a strange experience! It was a baby shower for a child named Samuel David H_.  I was so confused at first.  Then I thought, "Well, David would have a been a perfect middle name choice for our child, too."  Then I thought it hI am ad to have been a mistake that this card was sent to me, a bereaved parent.  I threw the card away and told my MIL to RSVP no for me.  I am sure the child is lovely and the relatives were unaware of our loss, but I am also sure I cannot have my pain ignored on such a pleasant affair, should I go.

I stopped doing the thank you cards a week ago, but do promise to finish those this week.  So many people showed us kindness.

Last Thursday I brought flowers and notes to the pediatrician's office for the nurses who so helped us out.  EK's one year appointment was a week after we were there for her illness and the bulk of the miscarriage happened.  It was healing for me to do that and important for me to influence those people who were helpful to us so that if that situation ever happens again, they respond in the same kind and professional and skilled manner.

People have stopped asking via email or social media comments about how I am doing.  This is tough for me, since SO many people reached out and those comments were really helpful.  I got an email last night a  friend I know via blogging and MU networking, and it was so lovely to read.

Oh, and basically stopped talking in person to me about this topic.  Its hard for others, I imagine. And just saying again, "I'm sorry for you loss; I'd have liked to meet him" is really kind and helpful to ME, but might feel so odd to say over and over for someone else besides me.

Last week we got three condolence cards in the mail (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to Abbie and David and Cindy W and Ann's in laws).

Seriously, since last Tuesday NO ONE has brought this up in conversation or said our son's name aloud.  That's so strange to me, since its constantly on my mind and the tip of my tongue, like I am waiting for permission from someone to discuss it.
It seems like...
Its kind of as if its been talked about, so its over, and its time to move on.
I kind of disagree.
No, I really disagree, its can't be over totally until all the pain is gone and only happy hope is there, and then its not necessary to get encouragement, I think.


I updated this some because after some sweet souls emailed me and texted me, I realized that it sounds a little dramatic like I feel totally abandoned and helplessly lonely.  I mean, I do feel that way, but I don't want anyone to have a guilt complex or something.  


I think its hard because right now I'd be into second trimester, and that's when clerks or waitresses casually bring up their children or birthing stories or ask you gender questions, but since I still kind of feel attached to the timeline of my pregnancy and clearly, I am not in my second trimester and I don't have those random people talking to me, it feels sad that I don't have anyone talking to me about the baby or the hopes we had for him or these things.  Probably they feel lke its taboo or bad form or really hard to bring up, and I get that.  I'd probably have a hard time, too.  


Thanks bloggy friends and facebooky friends who responded in minutes to the post with kindness that made me feel like I was getting hugs.

Tons O Trucks. A Little Boy's Dream Come True.

This post is from a month ago - and its high time I pay tribute to my children's favorite objects these days.  Which are LARGE TRUCKS.  Both kids are nuts for them!  


Our city's Parks and Rec Department opens up a large parking lot at a ball field and invites anyone with and enormous truck or a child who loves enormous trucks to come.  Its a long time, super popular event.

This was my second year in attendance.

Last year, it looked like this:

Steering wheels!

I'm so excited I am biting my own hand!!

Short legs.

I was two weeks out of delivering EK, and this year, she was riding in the Ergo Carrier on my back and pregnant with another baby.  WOW, I couldn't have predicted that a year ago!

Here are some of the photos from this event.  I took many more, and I think I'll put them into a photo book for DHH since I don't think he can ever have enough books with pictures of heavy machinery.

"I sat in wet mud, Mama!"

I love this photo.

Hiding in the monster bus's wheel.

Delight

Isn't his double cow lick interesting?

We went to the BookMobile twice.  He really liked the library on wheels, and the staff recognized him and called him by name... we have been going five times a month now for two years...

Really impressed by the fact that garbage trucks have two steering wheels!

Honk.

He ran through the parking lot like this because he was so excited. Its my favorite memory of this night!

He was so excited to show me the shiny "foke pipe".  Not sure why it won't load the correct direction...

 And two more cool sideways photos!

I think that we'll have to attend similar events for the next decade or so, what with this kid's interest naturally influencing his siblings' interests.  

I can honestly say that though I never would have pictured attending an event like this in the 27 years prior to attending my first one, I missed out.  Its really fun going to an event you have absolutely NO interest in when someone who is your life's interest loves it so.  

Elsa's Newborn and One Year Portraits

On Monday, I took my daughter to JCP for some one year portraits. 

We were there exactly a year ago for some not awesome, but not terrible pictures of our fresh baby.

She was only ten days old at the time!

I don't think I ever posted them on here, and I think it was because they didn't turn out nearly as well as DHH's, though we paid a less than half for them. I should have expected they wouldn't have been as awesome, but at that time I was still aiming for magazine quality memories. 

I think I am a little more of a realist these days.

See? Not so good!

The poor darling was uncomfortable, not simply unphotogenic.

Or maybe she's always had a serious look about her.  

We have this photo in gallery wrap, large, on our living room wall, next to the one of her brother at 10 days in a ball glove.

This is my favorite photo of her as a baby.

This in color is pretty good, too.

See? Just not awesome photography.  Its even worse in color.  They are FINE.

BUT.

I take (and took) better photos myself.

I just didn't have the proper lighting or confidence in my camera or myself, I guess.

Next time.

That's is what she looked like THEN.

When I see those photos, I think OF COURSE ITS BEEN A YEAR.

But when I think back to how fast she's grown, it doesn't seem like 365 days.  Maybe 250 days.

Anyway.

The photos were originally scheduled for Friday, but she was at her Nanny's house, and I was burying her brother. (First and last sad moment of this post, okay?) 

I reschedule for Monday because I knew I'd need a big push to get out of the door and onto the rest of my life.  This helped! We had donuts at HyVee and then went to the mall for these photos.

 I brought along two dresses, a lady bug dress she wore on her first birthday (to the pediatrician!) and the dress she wore at Easter.  I also bought a bunch of balloons in the same colors as her Easter dress for a prop.  

I chose JCP because I cannot afford a blogger-type photographer that has photos I love.  I am just learning to deal with this fact of life.  These photos are prefectly fine.  They aren't photoshop-awesome, and they are an awful lot like the ones I was in 30 years ago!

Another tip is that JCP often has these deals that are six sheets for $20, with an additional sheet at $4 each.  That's so much less than those package deals they offer, and I think I get more bang for my buck this way.  I get the variety of facial expressions, and I don't pay more than $30.  Of course, they had a 16x20 matted frame for clearance at $7, and I bought that for a wedding photo frame, so I did spend more than I set to, but not by much, and I'll use this for something fun in the future, I hope.

DHH was graciously taken by a friend for some mall play time.  We had a 45 minute wait, and I know he couldn't have handled it, but the train table at Barnes and Noble was a much more appropriate place!

EK was fussy because we'd missed a nap and she was hungry.  If you look closely, she's got those Gerber cheese puffs in her hands in most of the ladybug dress pictures.

  She also doesn't like balloons, but you cannot see that from these photos!

I do love this smile!

I don't like this one, but you can see she's a confident stander here.

She does often hold her feet and always keeps one leg off the ground when she sits on uncomfortable surfaces.

My favorite for this dress - even with the Cheeto!

 I will never buy a collage like this. I don't know who uses these or how.  The photographer can never edit the photos in them enough to have the faces line up or be at similar angles, and it always looks like third grade work to me.

I love this one!! She never looks like this, so I didn't buy it.

She also never looks like this, so I didn't buy it.

She looks like this quite a bit.

She didn't like being in this box, and this is not a smile!

I love this school-like photo.  She looks like this most of the time when she's smiling at her dad or a cat.

 This is my overall favorite from the day.  Its the same crooked smile her brother does and the same one I do, too.  

Isn't this a GREAT dress?  I got it last year after Easter sales, and I am glad I didn't buy it in her current size then - 0-3 month girls really cannot pull this look off!

I hate wicker furniture, but I LOVE this picture.

I hope she always lets me buy her cardigans.

What a great photo mess up!  Why isn't it parallel to the ground? Why is the edge of the photo wrong? Why couldn't they photo shop it perfect???

She's not happy in this photo either, but you can't really tell! She was yelling at the photographer to give her the doll she was tempting her with.

 Again, I don't buy these computer generated collages - but I do like this one for something like a Trapper Keeper cover or a fridge magnet.

Here's a classic Disappointed Elsa face.  Its just before an I'm so angry meltdown.  She didn't like these balloons in her way. 

Another perfect baby photo!

There's too much going on here I think, and I didn't order it.  But I like her expression and the camera angle.

And another view of the Money Shot.  I'd have paid $30 for this one perfect shot of my daughter, happy, at age one.

There you have it! An extraordinarily long post of my daughter in photos.  I think she's lovely, if you didn't realize it.