Photos From Samuel's Burial - Part 1

These are a few of the photos that I worked through on Saturday evening.  

I think doing this, as well as seeing the miscarriage drama on Downton are the reason I am feeling upset about death and children and pregnancy these days.  

Its hard to wade through it all.  

But I think it should be done.

I had 24 hours of kid-free time before I started this, and 24 hours following doing it.  I think that was important for me.  Prior to Saturday, I had not looked at these photos I took on April 20.  

It felt familiar seeing them again, but like a thing that happened a year ago, not a month ago.  

I'll share the other photos and the stories behind them tomorrow.

Downton Abbey Spoiler - Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss/Baby Death

So, probably EVERYONE that would like to has already see the show and knows this, but just in case there are other people who enjoy period-drama (lovely costumes, accents, and social norms long gone) and might see the movie and feel the same sense of TV-induced grief:

(Like how I was a mess after watching the finale for Private Pracitce for a week afterwards.)

A baby dies in the first series finale of Downton Abbey.
The mother miscarries at about 5 months.
Someone causes her to fall, so there is a layer of evil-intention involved.
There are no graphic details, just the sound of an off-camera fall, discussion of the sadness of the loss of dreams, crude and mean comments about how its not really a baby anyway so don't feel so bummed, and a good look at grief from the baby's father..

I just thought you should know.

Here is the mother's wistful look at a public function that she attends just after the loss of her son.

I don't think this deters me from watching more of the show.  I am really curious to see if this comes up in the story line again.

I can't unsee what I did see, and if I could, I probably would.

Okay, and so if you do like this show and you haven't seen the original Pride and Prejudice miniseries, the film Sense and Sensibility, the new Jane Eyre , Marie Antoinette, 

Learning to Get Past/Through/Around Marriage Rough Spots.and Two Anniversary Photo

We didn't have a fight last week, not exactly.

It was just me being grumpy at a decision Dan didn't make, and me making a huge deal of it.
For our anniversary.

We got married on Memorial Day seven years ago, and for some reason I think that each celebration is supposed to be better than the last and its really hard to top a honeymoon vacation, isn't it?

So it just didn't cut it to say, let's see what happens and then try to round up a tent and a float trip and campsite two days before we'd leave.

I was quietly mad most of the week, as as Dan later pointed out, it didn't cross my mind that because he didn't have something planned it could possibly mean it was because he/we were busy.  I thought it absolutely meant that nothing planned = no desire to do something special with me.

I realize now that my behavior is/was so childish.  I shut Dan out and said, "I am fine," though I wasn't.
I needed to admit that I was upset about this and just say that I needed time to process the disappointment and modify my goals for our weekend.

Instead, our relationship was strained until a detente was reached Friday afternoon at 3 PM.
That's terribly late into the start of a sweet weekend, I think!

But we did have a good time, and it did make a difference that he came up with three potential plans to do something in half an hour ...
(Float trip and camping near Salem on the Current OR near Dixon at Boiling Springs, Cardinals game and overnight in hotel, or a stay-cation type thing where all lodging/canoe/ticket/hotel money is spent on restaurants and little splurges like antiquing or flowers)

So, as for a piece of advice for my future self reading this, I am learning a lesson about getting past a rough spot more quickly.
Its just not worth the hard feelings to keep them on top instead of letting go of them.
I hate that I wasted a week of my last year in my 20s and maybe got a wrinkle from having an annoyed face on for so long.

These are our fortunes from the snazzy Chinese place we like to go on Valentine's or when we remember we live in the same town its in.  My opportunity happens on Monday, so I'll be looking for it.  Dan's comes knocking every day, I guess.

And here are my once in a blue moon anniversary flowers. Really, I only get them in May (or if I have a baby that dies or I buy myself roses during HyVee's June rose sale.)

Honeymoon Anniversary and Wedding Photo Collages

This weekend was our wedding weekend anniversary.
Its been seven years since this:

Weren't we young and good looking? 

Dan just said, "Who is that handsome boy?" And I feel like I look like a pretty girl in that photo, too.  We've really aged together!

This weekend, it was hotter than when we got married, but only by five degrees or so.   Memorial weekend weddings are just prone to being 90 degrees and with gorgeous sunshine, I think.

For this honeymoon annivesary, we had one of those stay-cations, where you don't actually go anywhere.  We'd planned a camping and floating trip and cave tour for this weekend, but my heart just wasn't in it.  Maybe it was the intense heat and prospect of sunburns and a sore-canoe-bottom or sweaty tenting.

We dropped off our children with my parents on Friday evening, started our time together at a steakhouse.  It was great to be out eating supper at 9 PM.  Its totally unheard of to be in a restaurant that late, because we eat supper at 5 PM, and certainly earlier but not later, these days.

We rented Downton Abbey, which is, as you all know, fabulous.  I am glad we waited until we had a free weekend to watch it, because we watched ALL of the first season in about 40 hours.

On Saturday, we woke early (WHY? WHY must be we programmed to wake with the 5:30AM alarm?) and took it slow.
A leisurely shower and blow dry.
A leisurely jaunt around a yard sale on the way to the store to buy a few things.
A leisurely breakfast.
Just a lesurely pace, all in all.

I read the paper (or really, one of those special inserts about river camping written by adventure/outdoor journalists) and ate a chocolate chip cookie while Dan bought some new blinds for the kids' room at Home Depot.

We decided to fix an early lunch, what with being out early, and so Dan manned the grill and I prepared a pasta prima vera that Ina Garten would have enjoyed.  It had tomato, mushroom, lemon olive oil, zucchini, broccolini, garlic, white wine, romano cheese, and linguine noodles.  It was photo-worthy, but since I am not a food blogger, I didn't photograph it.  The salmon was great, and I added sun dried tomato basil pesto to the top of it.  We ate like dukes and duchesses, which is great, since we were watching Downton Abbey again.
9
There are several(!) yadda yadda yaddahs to skip over in the weekend, so I'll hit the other highlights.

One is a joke Dan made we left the first restaurant on Saturday evening.
We decided to try a new Thai restaurant nearby to his office downtown. We stayed only two minutes.
"I knew just as soon as she handed us the red, laminated menus with those plastic clips that we'd be leaving."
Well... I knew as soon as I saw the floor's cracked tile and poor seating plan that I wanted to leave! Which was forty-five seconds before he made the joke.


We went to our favorite classy Chinese restaurant across town instead, Q's.  They have the best food, and they serve it on white linen table cloths with a flourish.  It was such a good meal.  I should probably note that I ordered the meal I get 95% of the time (General's Chicken with Broccoli), and my husband got the meal he gets 100% of the time (the Daily Special, which of course, varies, even though his choice is always Whatever is On the Special.)

The following hours are a blur because I slept and took two Benadryl tabs instead of the normal one I take, so I pretty much felt drugged and cannot remember most of the church service or time on Sunday before noon. I had a great nap though!

We watched more Downton and went antique-ing, to a Mexican restaurant (again, he got the special), and spent at least seven solid hours in each other's company, something that we haven't done in just So Long.
We did remininse about the past and we did spend an extraordinary amount of time missing the kiddos.

On Monday, I woke to find Dan making me a breakfast that he ended to serve in bed.  However, I ate the steak and eggs and fruit plate he had me with him at the breakfast table because I wanted to spend time with him for as long as possible before the kids came home.  I didn't eat the donut, for the record, but he bought it knowing I wouldn't eat it but would love the heart shaped-ness of it.

'
The card made me cry.  This is what it said :
For my wife, my friend for life. From the minute we met, I was amazed by you- how comfortable you made me feel, how right it felt to be with you.Soon I had thoughts running through my head like "Wow, could this be true? Have I really found her? Is it possible to be this much in love?" Just one answer always came to my me, the same answer that still takes my breath away...Oh, yes. You're my wife, my friend for life...and I can't wait to love you more and more every day. Happy Anniversary. On our seventh wedding anniversary, to my dearest love, Bethany, From her adoring husband. Love, Dan."

After breakfast, we went to a rock climbing area here in town.  We climbed to the top of a tall bluff - on the path,not with cables or rigging or anything - and sat on a bench and talked for an hour.

Later we went to the local Memorial Day parade, and then came back home to wait for our kiddos and my parents.

I think the best time of the weekend is that we had uninterrupted time together. I had know idea how scare it would be when we were a childless couple.  Had I have known, I wouldn't have enjoyed solo hobbies as much, and I would have tried to hang onto each time alone with him better.  Its impossible to know things like this ahead of time, of course.  But being able to sit and hold his hand and watch a non-cartoon at 2 PM and snack on the couch and finish long conversations and do things that are for two people only, that's really valuable.  My children are just so captivating and needy as youngsters that our focus rarely is on each other for long enough to make a difference.

This weekend, though free from Very Big Plans, was delightful.  I feel so rested from it, even after an early morning sudden wake up and full-speed ahead day.

I love you honey, and thank you for marrying me so I could have such a pleasant seventh anniversary with you.


---------------
I didn't get to watch our wedding DVD this year, but I did do some work transferring our wedding photos from where they are digitally stored to one of our two laptops to PicMonkey Collage to our laptop and then back into ditigal-web format.  Phew.  Yes, it took a lot of hours, but we don't have any finished product from our wedding, and I hope I can use this for a wedding photo book.

Here are some of our wedding photos, pretty much as many as I want to do for now, since its kind of addicting to do the editing and collage-ing, and I need to get back to current photo editing, not just things that happened seven years ago.

BUT, I would totally relive that day if I could again, and I think having these photos like this offers me a little chance of it.

Compartmentalization - unfinished post.

I am deciding to compartmentalize the grief I experienced during this April and May.
I don't think its the best idea, but its the thing I think will give me more peace and more control in my days.

Its just too hard to keep dwelling on the fact that I only have two children, when I have been pregnant five times.

Its too hard to be raw with emotion about my loss and keep saying his name and thinking about what has changed in my body and in my heart in the last six weeks.

It will be much easier to just compartmentalize this pain and move on.
Or I think it will be.
I did this with my first miscarriage, and now I hardly think of her name and if I do, all the memories of that time flood back and overwhelm me.

I am so tired of being sad and tired of the symptoms that depression gives me, which are sleeplessness, at night fatigue in the day, irritability, over sensitivity, and physical pain from feeling hunched up all the time.

I edited photos that I took on April 20 today, which was the day that we buried him.
It was emotionally taxing, and I feel good and drained in regards to my ability to cope with miscarriage and grief work.

I can feel myself - my mind or my heart, I don't know which - having this battle about tying up lose ends and doing healing vs. putting a bandaid over a gaping wound so I don't have to look at it and do all the work.

Project 52, Weeks 20 and 21

Its getting easier and easier to photograph the children in the same frame.

They are starting to play TOGETHER.

They are starting to take turns, to follow directions for a project for two, to pay attention to each other and feed off the other's ideas.

They are growing together!

This is such a cool thing for our family.

Its like we have two kids now, instead of a first born and a new baby.

Up until about a month ago, I had to place the children close by each other to create a photo for this photo project or run around to a strange angle to get both of them in the shot.

Or, if by some chance they were nearby each other, it was like RUN FOR THE CAMERA THIS WILL WORK FOR PROJECT 52!

I predict we'll have way more unrehearsed, spontaneous photo scenes like the following two in coming weeks.  

Its so fun to sort through the photos from the week and then have to choose between multiple shots from multiple activities to edit and post!  This is just so different than how it was at the beginning of the project.

I am happy I am doing this project because I think it will make one heckuva photo memory book!

DHH was making bubbles in the pool with his breath.  

EK copied him, leaning down in the water and making those same bubble noises that she uses for driving toy trucks. 

 DHH thought it was hilarious that she could play the same Bubble Game he was playing!

EK has been begging with her whines and extended arms to be picked up and see what we do when we are working in the kitchen.
She's so limited from her position on my hip that I decided to pull out the helping tower, adjust it back to the highest setting, and let her stand and view for herself.
DHH has been using the tower for over a year and did not seem to mind sharing his space with his sister.
She was eager to "help", especially when she realized she had easy access to samples!

Cloud Dough, aka Soft Sand, aka Best Digging Sensory Bin So Far!

If you or someone you love enjoys digging, building roads with tiny construction tractors, or tracing lines in sand, you need to do yourself a favor and make some cloud dough.

I think this recipe has saved us from buying a sand box this year because no sand can compare to this silky soft sand.  Its just a bottle of baby oil and a bag of flour.   

(I used left over wheat flour and some self rising flour I doubted would still rise because of its age.  We probably used slightly more flour than one bag's worth, and we used the larger sized bottle of baby oil.  I think the measurements are approximate.)

Though our daughter totally shoved it in her mouth the second she was put down next to the bin, and she doesn't do that with the rice box or beans or playdough.  This must look mighty tasty to her.  We started playing with this when she was eleven months old, and now two months later, its still something she hasn't learned not to do, so we just put it up on a high surface when she's around.

 I think its best to keep this material in a tub, not on trays on a table or on the ground.   We had some friends play with theirs on their patio in late April, and the residue has just NOW washed off the bricks and has slightly stained them.  Dan wasn't pleased about this, so we just never play with it on the bricks anymore. Its worthwhile to note that our friends' cloud dough was made from flour and vegetable oil, and it seemed a bit different than the baby oil version, but still perfectly playable. I don't think the baby oil version stains.

 I brought a variety of materials out for DHH to use when playing , like old Hot Wheels that didn't need to stay in mint condition, some construction vehicles, various scoops and spoons, and different sized containers to press the sand into.  He prefers the digger toys and several different spoons and spatulas, ignoring the rest.

He still isn't interested in pretend cooking, but if he was, I think he'd enjoy the kitchen utensils and plates and make some cool wedding cakes or something.

 Its not often that a two year old's attention can be kept for an HOUR twice per day.  This is just something that engages him for a long time, given that we use it once per week or so.  Its a big treat to get it out, but its not a big hassle to get it out.

Here is how we solved the problem of keeping it off the patio and out of his sister's mouth.  Its a makeshift sand table, with sides to keep his sister's hands away!

You should know that DDH climbs into the box to do his work more often than not.  I haven't noticed any staining, which is important, since he is wearing some classy Thomas apparel these days. :)

 And here's another photo that tells my heart he loves the fun I help him make during the days.

So in conclusion, if you spend any time around a child two or older, you should make this.   Actually, you should seek out a child to make this for because its so fun to play in for yourself!

Still Trouble Sleeping.

Late nights are the most un-fun in the morning.

There's no way I can match my children's energy and enthusiasm when I've had half as much sleep as them the previous night.

Am I right or what?

I think I'll go back to the sleeping pills at 8 PM deal and to bed with Dan at the very same time and promise not to get out and read or check my messages or blog or be alone with my thoughts, because when I am, I get like I need to distract myself to soothe myself, and then its 1 AM, and shoot, the children are awake at 6 AM and I am not a college student who is able to sleep only five hours.

Overwhelmed with Craft and Preschool Clutter

PS, this is not one of those photo heavy before and after blog posts, or one that I challenge you to clean along with me! Its more of a lament.  And an honest post.

It took me an hour to find the "workybooky with arrows and lines" that DHH requested.

And then I found six color books, mostly Mickey and Curious George, that are barely used.
An assortment of craft paper for buntings and projects that haven't been started or even thought about lately.
Loads of felt I planned to make into felt food, but then the kids didn't really taker to playing with pretend food, so I decided to wait until that part of their play seemed to require that craft.

And more and more and more.
I felt so overwhelmed by the STUFF I have.
I feel overwhelmed for not having the time and focus to care for these things properly, for having so many things that are unused because I cannot locate them at the precise time we need them so I make do or do differently, for not having the proper places or system for storing these things.

I need some routine and organization in my life and I cannot seem to make it come from within me.

When I feel this way, I just want to toss it all in another room, close the door, and go do train sets or some other more fun activity.  Or even an activity with a clear beginning and end, like clearing out the fridge of leftovers we won't eat and need to compost.

Our preschooling time has been pretty unstructured since Samuel's birth/death and any organizational mojo I ever kind of had is squashed.

Most of the goodies I have are really goodies, but there is probably some trash or waste that can be tossed.
Most of the things are craft related - for me or for us together as a learning activity- and they are utterly disorganized.

I do some kind of decluttering every week - going through too-small clothes or age-inappropriate toys and the like - but I'm not getting rid of things.  Everything I sort has to have a new place because I imagine we'll need it again, like when EK is two and needs those more basic puzzles than nearly-three DHH needs or if we have a girl baby who is size nine months and needs a cardigan and collection of leggings.


How can I fix this craft clutter?
Seriously, do you have any ideas?

I feel like if I start into decluttering, I get distracted by children who need my attention. Or I get distracted by emotions (so sad about putting away those tiny clothes that no longer fit! wonder if we'll have a baby for it again?) that I make very little headway.

We are also so limitted in space.
I know we have more than we have room for.
Most of the rooms in the house can use a thorough reorganization and rediscovering of their purpose, but its hard to be in one particular room since someone always seems to be napping in there or to put it away properly, I need to go into a different room that has a different child napping in it.

I am wavering between just accepting that this is my station in life right now - two little mess makers and putting out fires all over unless I plug the kid into a DVD and really get into cleaning up and clearing out - OR I get down to business and make this house simple, very livable, and free from hobbies I enjoy but cannot manage.

OR I put DHH in preschool and let them handle the pots of glitter and crayons and contact paper and yarn.

OR maybe this chaotic house is sort of a metaphor for the grief turmoil I am still in.
The avoidance of dealing with messy things, the gathering stuff to fill a void, the replacing of things that I cannot find right now but want so then I have double of, distracting myself with partially finished projects.

I don't know.  Maybe this is a venting post?
Or maybe you actually have good ideas to help me out here?
Please comment if so.

Look at the Photographer's Light, Babies; Family Resemblances

Bethany Lynn, possibly seven months old, Spring 1983

Daniel Henry, nearly eleven months old, late May 2010

Elsa Catherine, eleven months old, March 2012

I'd love to look through my MILs photos to see if there is one of Dan at this pre-walker age.  It seems like this photo shoot shot is ubiquitous, so there is probably one of baby Dan looking so squishy and perfect, too.

Misc. Monday - Camera Card Goof, More Dental Work, Baby Tan Lines, Honeymoon Redo, Kid Talking, SAHMing

I forgot the card for my camera on Sunday when I had the opportunity for some fabulous photos of my kids and Dan's parents at a parade, oogling an old fashioned ice cream mixer machine, and playing in a kiddie pool. BUMMER.  Oddly enough, my mother in law forgot her camera card, too.  So there are no photos of the children at their first Maifest Parade.

More dental work. I think enough said. Ugh. Post of its own!

As you can tell from these photos, the pool is out.  The children are in the pool three distinct times per day.You can see that the kids are wearing those SPF shirts, and I can attest that they do seem to work.  Every one here as farmer's tans, which is really different than what most people get from their bathing suit tans, right?

   Their parents have yet to make it into the pool, despite DHH's requests.  I think come July, his wishes will be granted.  I cannot handle 100 degrees and not be in a pool if there's one freshly filled from the water hose.

Our wedding weekend anniverary is coming up.  I wish we could take a redo of our honeymoon.  Not that there were some errors or something - I just want to do it all over again! A week of delicious sea food, the Gulf Coast, B&Bs, no naps to consider but our own... so many good things could come out of a vacation alone with my husband.

Actually, we went to some family friendly places like Destin and Fort Morgan.  I don't think the kids are too young to enjoy those destinations, but I think the hour wait at seafood houses that serve some fine Mahi Mahi but don't have "turritoes" (Burritos, but only those from the blue bag are acceptable for DHH) would be good for the family.  I also don't think sunburned blonde babies would be fun, or feeling sad that we couldn't have any alone time because we were parents the entire time would be great.  Maybe we shouldn't take a family vacation to our honeymoon spots because it could just be weird to do that.

My little boy started to say things like, "Will you come play with me, mama? Please come and do Train Town with me, Mama!".  HEART MELTER.  I love being asked to do something and having an excuse to stop folding laundry.   I am also dazzled by his strong grasp of the English language.  He's a real communicator now!

Not to be outdone, EK is also asking me to do things with her.  Usually her requests are to be picked up, taken outside, and shown the neighborhood dogs.  She also asks to have any tasty food I am eating, such as ice tea or a cookie.

If I were still teaching in the same district I was before I left to be at home with a baby, I'd be out of school this week.  I love that my summer started back in March, when we had 90 weather and did water play.  Or,  

the summer began February 4 when the course I taught finished and I didn't teach any more courses.

I really haven't mentioned it lately, but I do love that choice I made to not turn in my teaching contract for another year.  I am so much happier not working in that district and teaching other people's children and following other people's schedules and time lines. I really like being free to do what I want with who I want in this phase of my life. (What I want = mothering and kiddie pool time, who I want = my family.)

So SAHMing is treating me pretty well.

Maybe its not the stay at home mom-ing that is treating me well, maybe its the peace I've made with this choice and the contentedness I am choosing to have.

And its definitely the children and the man I have that are making the mom-ing and wife-ing so awesome.  They are just great.