Nearly There Neurotic Rambles.

This pregnancy must be almost done.

Both other kids were born six and a half days after today in their pregnancies.

It's also done because I have started doing things that are nutty.

I cried last night when I couldn't find a water bottle I had partially frozen in freezer but didn't want Dan I get me new bottle of water or a glass with ice. I cried because it was impossible for me to locate that particular bottle of water and I felt like a failure.

I felt ashamed after everyone was in bed how short tempered and barky I talked to my family in that day.

I felt too tired to sleep and that made me teary.

I remembered that I have to start BREASTFEEDING soon or find $400/mo for formula in budget and both tasks seemed too difficult to manage. Just exhausting. And trying to manage newborn nurser with two others. And remembering how fascinating breast pump was for DHH and how few bottles EK took because I didn't have time to prepare them for her since I always had to hide the pump and then hang out with him and Dan couldn't really take over for evening feedings as a result.

I threw up because of severe reflux and cried about how terrible it is to throw up all alone at midnight and be worried about waking up someone and scaring them. And also because of the mean irony that I threw up on purpose for YEARS and now I have no desire to do so but it's unavoidable. Then I started worrying about my esophagus and cancer and holes in lining and panicked.

Then I remembered that people still die in child birth and WHAT IF I die and my kids aren't at the right age to remember me and maybe DHH will only remember me yelling at him for climbing over passenger seat in Jeep with muddy boots instead of using proper door. And EK won't know me at all and we only have a handful of photos together and she will feel so sad to not have mom memories when she is a teenager or a mother. And poor Dan. How hard would it be for him to get a date as awesome as me and when would be ever with three kids three and under.

I did sleep from 2 - 6 this morning, and I remembered my heart burn meds today, so maybe I won't be as crazy tonight at midnight and will feel even better tomorrow with more sleep and less crazy in my head.