I think it's because of how secure I have felt. Our life is so rich and good. And I believe God has given me freedom from so much insecurity. I mean, I asked to enjoy confidence as a 30 year old, and prayed to leave the insecurity behind in my 20s.
I am not very concerned about a house fire, job loss, abandonment by a friend, child's broken bone, or needing to use baby CPR. I am cautious and not instinctually happy-go-lucky BUT it's a good feeling to be in bed at night and realize I don't feel panic about some job thing or anxiety about a kid thing or fret about a Dan thing.
The what-ifs have not plaugued me, until tonight.
I know of a local family who are living a life of shattered dreams and expectations because the husband, similarly aged and likely as awesome as mine, died suddenly this fall.
Tonight I thought about if my love story got cut short snd how great the decade of romance has been.
About if I had to be a single mom forever and how just a week of Dan away makes me feel a bit bitter and totally frazzled.
About how it would be impossible for my kids to maximize their potential without their dad.
About how hard it would be to remain steadfast as a Christian.
So what if Dan died?
It would be the worst.
I would manage to put one foot in front of the other- eventually - after collapsing in grief for so long.
It would be the worst and now that I'vr entertained that thought, I will hug him closer, tolerate the occasional snore and bad joke, and try to love bigger with him.