Tuesday, December 17, 2013

What Ifs

I have been in an incredibly fortunate era of what-if avoidance.  

I think it's because of how secure I have felt. Our life is so rich and good. And I believe God has given me freedom from so much insecurity. I mean, I asked to enjoy confidence as a 30 year old, and prayed to leave the insecurity behind in my 20s. 

I am not very concerned about a house fire, job loss, abandonment by a friend, child's broken bone, or needing to use baby CPR. I am cautious and not instinctually happy-go-lucky BUT it's a good feeling to be in bed at night and realize I don't feel panic about some job thing or anxiety about a kid thing or fret about a Dan thing.

The what-ifs have not plaugued me, until tonight. 

I know of a local family who are living a life of shattered dreams and expectations because the husband, similarly aged and likely as awesome as mine, died suddenly this fall. 

Tonight I thought about if my love story got cut short snd how great the decade of romance has been. 
About if I had to be a single mom forever and how just a week of Dan away makes me feel a bit bitter and totally frazzled.
About how it would be impossible for my kids to maximize their potential without their dad. 
About how hard it would be to remain steadfast as a Christian. 

So what if Dan died? 
It would be the worst. 
I would manage to put one foot in front of the other- eventually - after collapsing in grief for so long. 

It would be the worst and now that I'vr entertained that thought, I will hug him closer, tolerate the occasional snore and bad joke, and try to love bigger with him. 

2 comments:

  1. The what if game can really wreck a heart.... :) I will say, as someone who has seen some what if's happen (including a dad passing away when my brother and I were under 5), that our God is a great and mighty redeemer of the what if's. Yes, of course, the grief would be there....but there would be beauty and strength in pieces of a shattered life (lives) knit back together through the healing power of faith and resting in his love. I don't say that to imply that the WHAT IF scenario is the preferred scenario, it's not (OF COURSE NOT!). :) Just to say that, if the what if's start taking over, resting in the peace that God is the love story that lasts a life time and the only one that is never going to fail in any way, and that even if something shattered a life into unspeakable pieces, He is and will redeem it in a way that is unimaginable (as it should be) until it happens.

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  2. It is something I think about too... utterly heartbreaking and life-changing, but I do suppose thinking about it makes us appreciate the fragility of life and our love for our spouses! Merry Christmas, Bethany!

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